today is going by so slowly, it fucking sux. i have some homework to do, and once im done with this i'll start on it. if i really think about it, its not a whole lot.

anyway, on to other things, my ex Daniel's bf Alex dumped him. i would feel sorry for him if he hadnt proved me right. I mean, last sunday the two met for the second time after being together for what, four days? and they went down on each other. My ex went on and on about how he wanted to take his next relationship slow, how he was going to get tested for STDs before he ever had a guy go down on him. i still need to get tested again, i may not have the oportunity for some time, though, because Nam is leaving for college Friday night.

Back to the initial subject though, God knows what my ex got from his mom's bf or his cousin when he cheated on me- that's right, my ex cheated on me with one of his cousin's and with his crack whore mom's boyfriend. Well, technically she was a crank whore, but still. She never used protection when she'd fuck guys for drug money or the drug itself cuz she got her tubes tied and since she cant get knocked up, she doesnt care. Also, for any of us who have lost our virginity, most of us know that it feel better to have sex without a condom anyway, and naturally a hooker gets paid more the better her sex is. so she, a single mother of three at age 40, gave god knows what to her bf of 20, that's right, he was half her age, who intern fucked my ex and had him suck his dick, giving him all the same diseases she had, and oh yeah, i forgot to mention that he was fucking my ex's 15 year old sister Jessica, too. and my ex, his mom, and his sister were all getting crank and/or pot from this guy- well, his mom got it on her own, but the two of them got it from that other fucking cunt. And my ex didnt cheat on me with that guy just once, he did it at least 10 times and cheated on me with his cousin Tony once, and then two months later Tony raped him, which is why i need to get tested again, cuz his cousin.....well he has a gf named Vanessa, or atleast he did last i checked, and also last i heard he knocked her up, cuz they never use protection cuz it "feels better." (dumb fucks.) also, they think that they are just the fucking ones for each other, and they are so in love- yet Tony has cheated on her several times with both guys and girls and have not told her once. I think my ex should tell her, but he's too much of a fucking pussy. i mean, his cousin even asked him once about nine months ago if he could fuck me. Don't i get a say on what i want with my body? I'm not a piece of fucking property!!!! I hate "gansta" guys like his fucking cousin and his mom's bf. he was put back in jail last December, but bullshit she doesn't talk to him any more. and my ex, he's your stereotypical gay man- he's a pussy, he's feminine, he likes musicals, sucks every cock he can get into his mouth, and he talks with his hands. He's the kind of fag that gives other homosexuals a bad name. and i told him once "if you had a cock to suck you'd be sucking it right now," and i told him that he falls in love too easily and if he met another guy while together with Alex he wouldn't hesitate to cheat on him. After he told me that Alex dumped him, I pointed that out again and he firmly denied that he will ever cheat on any one ever again. That's sure as hell believable, since he fell in love with Alex after being together with him for four days, and sure enough sucked his dick the first change he got.

So yeah, im not in trouble anymore, which is so awesome, but now i have so much to catch up on im not sure where to start! Well, i guess i'll go with this: Nam is leaving for college on friday. it makes me so sad cuz im gonna miss him so much. most likely i wont see him again until Thanksgiving weekend, and it really hurts deep down inside. however, ive been trying not to think about it cuz then i know i'll hella miss him, and that it might just tear me apart if i do. he's going to UCSD, thats University of California of San Diego, for those of you who don't know, and I live up here in Santa Clara, CA. (get a map kids, it will be good for you.) I'm hopefully going to get a vibrator tomorrow, not neccessarily to keep me company, but its to help keep my vagina from going into atrophy. (oh and a dictionary, that will be good for you too.) We had a very intimate day yesterday, some of it a little kinky and some of it was just a little fun. I love Nam so much, he's such a great guy and i dont care what some of you fuckers may think, but me and Nam are going to try to stay together when he goes to college. While it is a long distance relationship, it could be worse, but if he decides to change his mind i've told him to just call me and let me know, and while it will break my heart, i'll understand...but im kinda thirsty now, so im gonna go get a soda!- even though those only make you more thirsty....anyway, i hope to write about me and Nam's trip to sf soon, and yeah, i'll be back later. have fun, kids.

So, I got in trouble for the whole planetout.com thing, and now guess what? My parents constantly lecture me on being myself, which, having a personals account on planetout.com entails. (If you want to know how my parents found out i'm bi, look at my past entry on August 6th. i wrote it there.) And then, one night, you know what they do? They have blocked all sites related to "sex education/ sexuality." first of all, i believe that sex ed is very important, especially if i am sexually active which my parents assume i am, even though Nam is in La Jolla. second, having everything under the title "sexuality" blocked means this: all gay/bi/lesbain/trans sites are blocked on my computer. and my parents want me to be myself? my parents want me to be my fucking self? They want their bisexual daughter to be herself, but the block all homosexual websites on the computer.Well you know what fuckers?

I AM GAY, THIS IS WHO I AM, AND YOU THINK THAT BLOCKING A COUPLE FUCKING WEBSITES IS GONNA CHANGE THAT????!!!!! YOU WANT ME TO BE MYSELF, BUT YOU RESTRICT MY RIGHT TO LEARN ABOUT MYSELF, THE GAY YOUTH COMMUNITY IN MY AREA SO THAT I CAN'T MEET PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF, BUT YOU WANT ME TO BE MY FUCKING SELF?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and do you know what's funny? do you know what's real funny? they wanted me to delete my planetout.com account. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT IF THE SITE IS BLOCKED, YOU FUCKING DIPSHITS????!!!! HUH? I WANT SOME ONE TO REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE AND TELL ME IF ANY OF THIS MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE!!!! my own parents can't accept the fact that I am bisexual....and this is exactly why i didnt want them fucking knowing in the first place! like i said, read my post from August 6th and you'll see how they found out....FUCKING IN CONSIDERATE BITCH!!!!! SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE, I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS BULLSHIT I CAN TAKE!!! HELP ME!!!!

Going Away To College
Please take me by the hand
It's so cold out tonight
I'll put blankets on the bed
I won't turn out the light
Just don't forget to think about me
And I won't forget you
I'll write you once a week she said

Why does it feel the same
To fall in love or break it off
And if young love is just a game
Then I must have missed the kick off
Don't depend on me to ever follow through on anything
But I'd go through hell for you and

I haven't been this scared in a long time
And I'm so unprepared so here's your valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world's and ugly place, but you're so beautiful to me

I'll think about the times
She kissed me after class
And she put up with my friends
I acted like an ass
I'd ditch my lecture to watch the girls play soccer
Is my picture still hanging in her locker?

I haven't been this scared in a long time
And I'm so unprepared so here's your valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world's and ugly place, but you're so beautiful to me

I love you Nam, please come home soon. I miss you over here, its not the same with out you.

I think i took this before, if i didnt its on my blog somewhere, but whatever. here goes:

I'm here at home by myself cuz my parents went to an A's game and my brother went to the mall with his girlfriend. Now this would be a great opportunity to get some work done, take an SAT practice test, ect., especially because im not going to be home tomorrow at all. However, I can't help but still have this feeling of despair filled sorrow, because in the past at times like this, or even other weekends when my family was here, he would sometimes randomly drive to my house with out calling first to surprise me. He was lucky in that he never came here when I wasn't home, but then again I would tell him what my schedule was like all the time and if I was ever going to go any where, not just for him incase he decided to surprise me, but just because we share everything with each other. Here I am now, though, alone, and part of me keeps telling myself "He'll be here any minute, he'll be here any minute!" But obviously he won't be. He's in La Jolla, at a meeting for his submarine group, taking swordsmanship lessons, or just hanging out and trying to make friends. I'm so happy for him, it seems like everything is going perfectly for him over there, yet over here it seems as if he's the only thing in my life that isn't going wrong. *sigh* I just need to get good test scores cuz I already have the GPA to get into the schools I want to, but I'm still not smart enough. By the way....

Nam, is it true that u scored a perfect 1600 on the SAT? Yesterday we were talking about you in Art class again and some one called you stupid or said you were poor. Then Jon Stone comes out of no where and starts talking about how you're gonna be a rich motherfucka cuz ur so fucking smart. Then he was like "Didn't he score a perfect 1600 on the SAT?" and u wont tell me, so I don't know, and then after Chris Scanlan made fun of me for the fact that your own girlfriend doesn't know what you scored on the SAT, Stone then said "Well maybe it wasn't perfect, but didn't he score the highest on it out of anybody else in the school?" I knew u scored the highest out of anybody ever at our school on the AP English test, but now I'm curious about what you did actually score on the SAT. It will give me one more thing to cry about, that I'll never be as smart as you, while I'm alone like this and missing you.

With this said, I'm going to give a quick call to my love to see how he is doing, and then get started on this practice test business...lol, he just signed online. well then I'll talk to him for a bit and then get started. I've only taken the SAT once and I didn't study for it. My score was 1060, 490 on the Math and 570 on the Verbal. That is pretty low, but considering the fact I didn't study, that's pretty fucking good, I think. I dunno, maybe I'm just dumber than I think. Oh well, I just need to work hard.

I have a lot of homework to do, but as promised, this is my hedgehog story!:

Ok, so one time when i was in kindergarden, so i was probably about five, or maybe even six depending on the time of the year, I had to go to the bathroom, as most kindergardners often do. So I went, and for whatever reason the teacher sent me by myself, but i think it was because it was right around the corner and i was a good kid: i knew my way around and was not likely to cut class. (those of you who know me are probably asking yourselves "what the hell happened?") anyway, I walked in, and under the sink was a critter i had never seen before. it wasnt a porcupine, i knew that for a fact, but it also had a lot of spikes on its back. there were none on the face, though. naturally, of course, i had no idea what the hell this thing was and was very scared, so i tried to avoid it as much as possible. i went in the stall and lifted up my feet incase it decided to come in there and attack me. herbavor, carnivor? i didnt know if it ate fruit or flesh. what were those spikes for? to kill or detter? the whole time though, i was talking to it, telling it not to hurt me and that i didnt want to hurt it, i just wanted to go to the bathroom. the worst part was, i was a total germophobe as a kid and needed to wash my hands, which required going to the sink where the little creature was. terrified, i walked to the sink, continuing to reasure the little thing that i was just doing my thing and i would be gone in a moment. when my hands were clean i ran out of the bathroom as soon as possible, and avoided that bathroom in particular for some time afterwards, i'm sure. when i went home, though, i told my parents of the farfetched ordeal, especially considering where i live and where that school is located, and they pulled down a book to try and help me find the animal. sure enough, there was a tiny drawing of it:

the north american hedgehog. Why, how, and all those other questions pertaining as to why it was there in the girls bathroom of a kindgerden through 4th grade school, quills at the ready? to this day i do not know. all i know is that it was there, and while i have since learned much about this little creature and no longer fear it, if you were five or six and saw that thing in a bathroom and had no idea what it was, wouldnt you be scared too? not to mention being paranoid about there being spiders in there?

Well that is my hedgehog story. do any of you have any questions or comments?

This will help give insight as to how much of a cunt my ex is, (by the way, my s/n is fuzzycookie1 and the other person is my friend julie. she is cool, but she's a year older than me, too) :

AquafinaAcid: hi

fuzzycookie1: hey

AquafinaAcid: what's up

fuzzycookie1: nothing really

fuzzycookie1: registering for the December SAT 2

AquafinaAcid: yuck

AquafinaAcid: just do super good

fuzzycookie1: i'll have to

fuzzycookie1: im taking the SAT tomorrow, but i dont think i'll do very good

AquafinaAcid: oh, it's easy

AquafinaAcid: just a little tricky at times

AquafinaAcid: have a clear head

fuzzycookie1: ive noticed

fuzzycookie1: lol

AquafinaAcid: damnit

fuzzycookie1: whats up?

AquafinaAcid: nifer, how do you work on not going ballistically jelous on your b/f?

AquafinaAcid: i'm being so irrational . . . and i cant seem to stop

fuzzycookie1: ive gone through that a bit, to be honest

fuzzycookie1: especially because he goes to a school with a bunch of sluts

fuzzycookie1: but i think what helps is that i was in a relationship before where my ex had no value over my own personal space and life, so i tend to value that with Nam

fuzzycookie1: i know he has friend and things he wants to acomplish that have nothing to do with me, and thats fine

AquafinaAcid: cool

AquafinaAcid: my own space and life

AquafinaAcid: i'll think about that more

AquafinaAcid: thanks

fuzzycookie1: yeah

fuzzycookie1: he gets that way with me too, though

fuzzycookie1: it also has a lot to do with trust as far as how easily you can get over it

AquafinaAcid: yea . . . the trust thing is so strong when your around eachother, but when your not it's hard to find

AquafinaAcid: because my mind plays tricks on me (atleast mine does)

fuzzycookie1: yeah

fuzzycookie1: me too sometimes

fuzzycookie1: its especially hard when ur bf goes to a school like UCSD where there are parties 24/7 and he wants to become part of the underground newspaper staff which is full of pot smokers, drunks, and groupies

AquafinaAcid: how infested

fuzzycookie1: yeah

fuzzycookie1: but he leaves early

fuzzycookie1: and ive been around enough drunks and potheads to knowhe's sober

AquafinaAcid: heh

AquafinaAcid: that's good

fuzzycookie1: the groupie thing though i have to base on trust

fuzzycookie1: i think he can see the pain that my ex cheating on me caused, and he also knows that San Diego is the AIDs capital of the state

fuzzycookie1: and has seen me get tested for STDs once because of my ex

fuzzycookie1: and once again because of my ex, i need to get tested again

AquafinaAcid: oh no . . .

AquafinaAcid: that's so horrible - i hope he kills himself, it's a really cold thing to say but he's not bringing the world any good

fuzzycookie1: its true

fuzzycookie1: especially since he hasn't been tested yet

fuzzycookie1: said he would before he messed around with a guy every again

AquafinaAcid: bull shit, that fucker . . .

fuzzycookie1: and then got a bf, they had only met twice, were together for two days, and on the third day my ex and his bf saw each other for the second time and he went down on him twice

fuzzycookie1: and then his bf went down on him

fuzzycookie1: the best part

fuzzycookie1: my ex never told his bf, who dumped him the next day, that he could potentially be carrying something from one of the two guys he cheated on me with before

fuzzycookie1: isn't that great?

AquafinaAcid: i'm sorry, all i see your ex as is a walking disease

fuzzycookie1: he probably is

fuzzycookie1: its really scary for be because i wont be able to get tested again until like November because i wont have a ride

fuzzycookie1: thats like 10 months after the last time my ex cheated on me- actually, he was raped, but he was raped by one of the guys he cheated on me with two months after he cheated on me with him

AquafinaAcid: oh dear . ..

AquafinaAcid: hey dont let anything happen to you

AquafinaAcid: does nam know about this?

fuzzycookie1: yes

fuzzycookie1: he does

AquafinaAcid: oh damn

fuzzycookie1: and he's never eated me and ive told him that if there is any possibility that there is any open wound on ur hand to not touch my pussy or if i have even the smallest cut to not touch my blood

fuzzycookie1: cuz i have no idea if i have something and i cant get tested until he comes back in december because he is my only ride

AquafinaAcid: dude . . . take the bus

AquafinaAcid: c'mon, your smart enough to navigate

fuzzycookie1: true

fuzzycookie1: the only problem is if kaiser takes its sweet ass time in the lab when i give them my blood sample, then my parents will be very suspicious as to why im home late

AquafinaAcid: then lie

AquafinaAcid: tell them your at a study group or something

AquafinaAcid: just get tested . .

fuzzycookie1: true

fuzzycookie1: that would work

fuzzycookie1: but because im going to japan in less than two weeks and next week is the end of the quarter, i still probably wont be able to until the first two weeks of november

fuzzycookie1: sigh, i hate my ex

fuzzycookie1: he started telling people that im a bitch just because ive been a bitch to him- dont you think i have a fucking good reason to be?

AquafinaAcid: i cant find a reason why ANY ONE would have a reason to do the opposite . . .

fuzzycookie1: i know

fuzzycookie1: but he doesnt bother telling anybody WHY ive been a bitch to him recently

AquafinaAcid: what a wuss

fuzzycookie1: why

fuzzycookie1: he's every negative gay stereotype you can think of

AquafinaAcid: lol

fuzzycookie1: its true

fuzzycookie1: think of a gay sterotype and i'll tell you if its true for him

AquafinaAcid: heh

AquafinaAcid: it's too late to think . .

fuzzycookie1: lol

fuzzycookie1: whatever it is its probably true

fuzzycookie1: http://www.jmoneystudios.net/mortalpoet/shavecut.html

AquafinaAcid: wow

AquafinaAcid: very random

fuzzycookie1: indeed

fuzzycookie1: well hey i g2g

fuzzycookie1: need plenty of sleep for that SAT tomorrow

AquafinaAcid: heh

AquafinaAcid: right

AquafinaAcid: bye

fuzzycookie1: k

fuzzycookie1: later

For those of you who saw those funny pictures on my blog, i deleted them because it was taking way to long to load, and i was not about to delete my drawings or the comic book Nam made for me before he left off of my blog. So yeah, sorry about all that.

Anyway i took the SAT today, and well, i dont think i did any better than i did last time, so basically this was all just a waste and i will be killed when they see what my score is. it was nice knowing all of you, and Nam remember that i always love you and finish my quest for revenge if I can't. Brian will be glad to help you if you need him, I'm sure.

i dont know if i will get better soon because i have a huge project due tomorrow that im not even half way done with, a few other homework assignments. also im going to Japan sunday and coming back oct. 30th, but my ex told me he hopes i never come back so now im super paraniod. (thats one of the things that made me think i might be mildly bi-polar) Also, he started threatening last night because he has "so much power at our school" and the threatened to get me kicked out of a couple clubs im in because he has "so much shit on me". The thing is that he doesn't, so anything he said would be a lie. *Sigh*, this is what i get for having a cumpulsive liar as an ex-boyfriend. I hate that little bitch so much....he's such a fucker! Also, today i meant to call Nam after school and accidentally called my ex's cell instead. (on my phone, u push the call button and there is a list of the last 20 numbers that u've called or have called you, and you scroll down, highlite one, and push the call button again. I thought i had hilighted Nam's # but it was actually Daniel's cell) When i first heard some one answer, i knew it wasnt Nam, and so i said hello again and he just said "hi". i then looked at my phone, said "oops" and hung up. He needs no explanation. His cranked up mom and sister were there. I hadn't seen his mom for....nine months. He did tell me, though, that he thinx she's lightened up on the crank because she doesnt look as tired as she used to. The funny thing is, she didnt look any fucking different than she did nine months ago to me. Seeing those two whores, i was filled with so much rage, i wanted to snap their necks for what they did to me. Then i saw daniel coming out of a classroom up ahead. My friends, (well, zunich's not a friend, but the rest of them were my friends), were behind me, but if i had turned and seen those drugged up bitches again.....well, you've all seen "kill bill", right?

Enough said.

Anyway, as daniel passed i just said "you lied- she doesnt look any fucking different."

As me and my friends, (except for im not friends with zunich), walked through the student parking lot, I told Alex how i'd seen those meth heads in the hallway, how i felt so over come by rage that i just wanted to crack some one's skull, and all i did was see them....

I called my ex on accident, said "oops" and hung up. if he wants to know why i did that, he can call me later, talk to me tomorrow, or just forget about it or bring it up the next time he calls me to bug the shit out of me. God I fucking hate my ex....the world needs to know the truth, needs to know he raped me, he cheated on me, (with his hooker mom's 20 year old bf and his 18 year old cousin none the less!), needs to know how he smoked crank and cigarettes behind my back, how he lied all those times about how me loved me, needs to know how he's never been tested for an STD and yet still fucked me and made me suck his cock after the cheated on me, needs to know that he's not the vitcim and im not the bitch.  The whole world needs to know the truth about Daniel Gustavo Giron Aguilar.

its horrible the things that a person can do to another one out of their own selfish needs and desires. I wish i could tell every gay or bi guy in the world about my ex so that none of them would ever be hurt by him. the last bf he had he was together with for two days, on the second day which was also the second time they'd ever met they went down on each other. keep in mind that my ex cheated on me with his counsin who was doing trains behind his gf's back and was also being fucked by his crank whore mom's bf, who would have unprotected sex with her customers because her tubes were tied about 8 or 9 years ago. has my ex ever been tested for STDs? no. did he bother to tell his ex bf at any point that he had cheated on his ex girlfriend and may carry something? nope, not once. his ex bf still doesn't know it to this day. My ex is every negative gay stereotype you can think of. What a mistake.

Please: stay away from Daniel Gustavo Giron Aguilar unless you know for a FACT that he has been tested for STDs! i still need to get tested again because of his dumb ass. he's such a little bitch...

Yeah so i'm here in Japan. its 4:52pm meaning that it is 12:48am over there, and i actually need to go soon, they are having an appreciation dinner for us and our host students! but first, i want to share a few, and believe me this will be only a few, of the differences between Ameria and Japan. here goes:

In America, you pay when you get on the bus. in Japan, you pay when you get off.

Yes, the public american toilets heat up!

Yes, the regular Japanese toilet is basically a hole in the ground.

The fridges open up on both sides!

Where I'm from, most high schoolers drive themselves or get a ride to and from school. In Japan, most high schoolers take a bus and/or a train.

Yes there are vending machines that cell cigarettes and liquor, and not the cigarettes have no surgen general's warning. If you think about it for a second or two, you might be able to figure out why...

In Japanese advertising, you see many cute and cuddly creatures. in American advertising, you see impossibly natural hot women having sex with cute and cuddly creature.

Well that is all for now every one. I would right more, but I am still here at school. For those of you asking yourselves wtf, my school has a foreign exchange program with a school in Japan. It's a homestay program- you live with a student from that japanese school and you go to school with them. unfortunately all of the teachers at my school also loaded me on homework which i really need to crack down on, considering that im leaving next saturday and jet lag is worse on the way home!  that and i still need to study for the fucking SAT...shit....well then i hope your lives are going well!

Oh and Brian, tell mom and dad that i tried sending them an email but it came back to me and told me that that e-mail doesnt exist. tell them im alive, things are good, and i have to pay for my own transportation. when i told mrs. olein that i might not have enough money, she yelled at me saying that i should have brought $300 dollars worth of yen. i then told her about how the month before the trip, they told me i had to use my own money, leaving me iwth $78, then they gave me $100, and $50 from my grandpa. let them know to expect a cheap gift and to tell every one else who might want something that i cant afford it because they decided not to pay attention to the paper we were given that listed things to bring on this trip. oh, and another thing: JAPAN IS VERY EXPENSIVE!!!!!! so let them know for me, please? Well like i said i hope ur all doing good, and if you have any other questions about Japan, please ask me and i will answer you as soon as possible! later y'all, i need to go now!

As I said, Jennifer sent me this in an e-mail and I think she'd want you all to read about this trip and to also just catch up with what she's been up to (redundant? what the hell does redundant mean?)

this was on palewhispers' blog, and im posting it here because im curious to see what you think! and yes, i did change it from her name to mine incase you couldn't figure that out for some dumb reason.

1. I love Jennifer's _____.

2. Jennifer has the best ______.

3. Jennifer and I are ______.

4. I met Jennifer _______.

5. Jennifer loves ______.

6. I hate Jennifer's ______.

7. Jennifer hates my _______

8. I wish Jennifer would _______.

9. If Jennifer was with me right now I would ________.

10. Jennifer's best quality is________.

11. Jennifer's worst quality is _________.

12. Jennifer has the best ______.

13. Jennifer has the worst ______.

14. I am jealous of Jennifer's _______.

15. If I could do one thing to Jennifer it would be _____.

In case any of you thought that new "South Park" episode on a couple days ago was an exaggeration, here is one of the many things you can find on the web posted about the huge corporation. This one is for the residents of Flagstaff, Arizona, but there are many more like this for cities all over the country:

"WAL-MART MYTHS AND REALITY

Myth:	Wal-Mart creates "hundreds" of new jobs for communities.
Fact:	Studies show that for every two jobs created by a Wal-Mart store, the community loses three. Jobs that are retained by a community are merely shifted from local businesses to the giant retailer. In a 1994 report, the Congressional Research Service warned Congress that communities need to evaluate the significance of any job gains at big-box stores against any loss of jobs due to reduced business at competing retailers. The report also pointed out that these so-called new jobs "provide significantly lower wages then jobs in many industries, and are often only part-time positions, seasonal opportunities, or subject to extensive turnover." The Real Story is that when Wal-Mart moves into the neighborhood, it devours local businesses and lowers community living standards.
Myth:	Wal-Mart has "always low prices, always."
Fact:	The local newspaper in Carroll County, Arkansas conducted a test of Wal-Mart's low price claim. Surveying a list of 19 common household items at six Wal-Mart stores over a one month period, the newspaper staff found that Wal-Mart was cheapest on only two of the items . The lowest register receipt for all 19 items was $12.91. The highest total for all items came from Wal-Mart at $15.86. The Real Story is the high cost of Wal-Mart's prices: lower wages, more imports, lost U.S. jobs, lower community living standards.
Myth:	Wal-Mart's presence in a community generates tax revenues.
Fact:	Studies conducted by small towns on the impact of proposed Wal-Mart stores have shown that tax revenue reductions are more likely to occur after a Wal-Mart moves into an area. A Maryland study showed that in the years following the arrival of Wal-Mart, "town tax receipts from personal property and ordinary business corporation taxes grew but at a declining rate." The study said that "the expected growth in income taxes may have been offset by low-wage jobs offered by the large retailer and by the loss of employment in competing businesses. . . ."
Myth:	Wal-Mart's workers receive good health benefits.
Fact:	Wal-Mart's Health Coverage Leaves Most Workers Uncovered. Huge employee premium payments and big deductibles keep participation in Wal-Mart's health plan to 38% of employees. That's 6 out of every 10 employees--more than 425,000 Wal-Mart employees, most of them women, who have no company provided health coverage. Nationally, more than 60% of workers are covered by company paid health plans. There's more: Wal-Mart workers pay insurance premiums that cover close to half of Wal-Mart's health plan expenses. The national average shows that employee premiums cover just over 25% of health plan expenses incurred by companies nationwide. The Real Story is that Wal-Mart freely acknowledges shifting its health care costs to taxpayers and responsible employers. A company spokesperson said, "[Wal-Mart employees] who choose not to participate in [Wal-Mart's health plan] usually get their health-care benefits from a spouse or the state or federal government." Wal-Mart is the biggest beneficiary of its health plan because the company shifts $1 billion in health care costs to the government and responsible employers.
Myth:	Wal-Mart "Buys American" and Wal-Mart "Brings it Home to the USA."
Fact:	Two 1998 studies that surveyed clothing on Wal-Mart store racks and shelves found 80% and sometimes more thatn 9o% of the apparel items were produced overseas, many in countries where sweatshops and child labor are prevelant. "The truth is," says the National Labor Committee, "Wal-Mart has moved far more production offshore than the industry average." There's more: Commenting on Wal-Mart's "Buy Mexican" program, an expert on economic nationalism said Wal-Mart is ". . .shamelessly manipulating nationalist sentiments in both countries. . . . For all its public nationalism, Wal-mart is reinvesting its all-American dollars overseas."

Confronting Wal-Mart: How and Why

The battle against Wal-Mart is about maintaining quality community living standards. The true legacy of Wal-Mart isn’t lower prices. The true legacy of Wal-Mart is lower living standards for hard working Americans and those overseas.

The fact is for every Wal-Mart store that opens, jobs are lost to the community, the tax base shrinks, the number of workers with health benefits declines, and the number of workers eligible for welfare increases.

We have to confront Wal-Mart to stop the retail giant from turning good jobs into bad jobs, from turning taxpaying workers and their families into welfare-eligible families supported by taxpayers, and from turning workers with health insurance into the ranks of the uninsured.

Here’s what each of us can do:

1. Be a good neighbor. Promise to shop at grocery stores that pay a living wage and provide affordable family health benefits.
2. Ask friends and family not to shop for groceries at Wal-Mart.
3. Be an active member of your community. Get involved in planning and zoning board hearings. Let the decision-makers know that you don’t want Wal-Mart in your neighborhood.
4. Reach out to Wal-Mart workers. Give them the support they need to fight for their families and their future.

Let’s stand up for ourselves and our families, and for our neighborhoods.

Let’s say no to Wal-Mart!"

1. I love Alex's openess.

2. Alex has the best brain! (and awesome tits to match!)

3. Alex and I are best boobie friends, second only to my Love.

4. I met Alex during my sophomore year during the play "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying".

5. Alex loves Hooper!!!

6. I hate Alex's poor choices.

7. Alex hates my inability to tell some people to just fuck off and let go. 

8. I wish Alex would just tell the truth, but i understand so i wont force you to.

9. If Alex was with me right now I would probably see if we could have hot lesbian sex- I mean see "Team America"! yes, see "Team America" in a dark movie theater....lol 

10. Alex's best quality is her ability to be non-judgemental over my stupid ass mistakes and pretty much every other aspect of my personality. (e.i. my bondage fantasies. Sorry Alex, none involve you!) 

11. Alex's worst quality is that she tends to get shy at the worst possible times about the worst possible things. How do you know Hooper doesn't was you to ask him out? 

12. Alex has the best mind. period.

13. Alex has the worst breath. Don't worry, I know mine is pretty bad, too.

14. I am jealous of Alex's incredible brain. I wish i was that smart.

15. If I could do one thing to Alex it would be give her a hug and make her troubles go away forever. No one deserves pain.

1. I love Nam's personality.

2. Nam has the best cock- osrry, its true!.

3. Nam and I are In Love and have been together for almost 6 and a half months.

4. I met Jennifer at a bench at school my freshman year, his sophomore year. for the longest time, though, he didnt even know that i was there, even though i was about once a week all year..

5. Nam loves the ocean, submarines, and me.

6. I hate Nam's bad choices and how he can be such a pussy sometimes.

7. Nam hates my Idiocy and my Past 

8. I wish Nam would fly up here and hold me to help my troubles go away and lighten up some of this weekend's work load!.

9. If Nam was with me right now I would Hold him, kiss him, make him smile, and tell him I love him with all my heart and soul and that I'm sorry for everything bad that i have ever done to you, myself, or someone who didnt deserve it.

10. Nam's best quality is his ability to listen and never judge.

11. Nam's worst quality is still his tendency to be a bit of a pussy.

12. Nam has the best Heart and soul.

13. Nam has the worst Fortune, he got stuck with me.

14. I am jealous of Nam's incredible intelligence. If i had all the knowledge in Nam and Alex's brains combined, i would be unstoppable, but alas, i am a fucking dumbass.

15. If I could do one thing to Nam it would be suck him off. Yeah, I love giving Nam head and my hormones from my period this week have made me hornier than normal. What are you gonna do about it?

I wrote this as a reply to the last entry on your blog, but incase you are having a hard time reading it, here it is. I don't know why you're acting this way. You have no idea how badly this hurts, Lovey.....

"sweetheart, you know that most of that isn't true. You have made effort and you have made me happy, its just you know i've been stressed and yes im mad at you as hell for getting shit faced at a party WHILE I WAS GETTING JET LAGGED ON A PLANE OVER THE PACIFIC OCEAN! ESPECIALLY NOT EVEN A WEEK AFTER ALEX'S POST AND ABOUT FOUR DAYS AFTER YOURS ON THIS BLOG!!!! not to mention many other things that pissed me off about it. im sorry if you think you've failed, but its not true. the thing with your sister last night, yes, you failed, because you didnt have to tell her you were here! You could have just said the part scene wasn't for you because i got pissed at you, and here is why. Did you tell her what you told me? About how you were planning to smoke pot in college at least once to try it, but after you've seen the horrible things that drugs have done to me, you changed your mind? (I can expand on that in an e-mail, and depending on how the one you sent me goes I might) The reason that made me upset is because of this: Every thing that has happened related to you getting smashed and hung over at that part, I have done before. I've had a promise broken to me, I've had the ironic timing, I've heard the "I thought of you the whole time" excuse, I've heard the "But all my friends were doing it" excuse, I've had the details contsrued on me so that every one the person who got themselves intoxicated makes it sound like i over-reacted because they "forget" about certain details, and I've had that person going around, talking about how they quit all by themselves, when in reality if it weren't for me they would be passed out on the floor of some crack house with 10 new VDs that havent even been discovered yet. That's why i was mad about that last night. Because I've been through all of this before. I've been hurt like this before. I've had my heart broken before. I've heard these same words before. I've seen these same actions before. I've had my presence and love and care denied before. Everything that is happening now between me and you with this whole insidint, everything you tell me, everything you tell others is all the same.

Now, on to the tease. I know for a fact that I have told you before that i HATE BEING TEASED!!!! just as you say you've always like to be "seduced" or forced into something you "didn't want" by others since you were young, ever since I can remember i have NEVER, EVER LIKED BEING TEASED!!!!! NEVER!!! and it was frustrating because i was tired and you had been telling me to go to sleep and i wanted to stay up and talk to you because when you originally wanted me asleep, what was going on? i brought up the fact that you are not the only guy who's done something to my pussy and you got upset. you said you weren't jealous, you weren't thinking of who or why, you were just up-set because you know already and it killed the mood. I'm sorry. I could see how mad you were, and so then what did we do? We made whale noises. We made fun of Daniel making fun of us. We talked about piggies. We talked about Banana Slug sex. We talked about lesbian sex. We talked about what I should do incase no college accepts me because my scores are shit, how i can get a job, things i could do to get into schools easier. It's not like our night was one bad moment and then phone sex, that wasn't it at all, but you've over looked all that.

The reason I said I would have rather been sleeping is because i had to take the SAT again today, again I had virtually no opportunity to study, again i dont think i did very well on it. It would have been nice to have a full night's sleep, but I wanted to stay up so that we would sleep on a good note. When you teased me, you could tell i was upset, i told you that I hate being teased, and you wanted to know what you could do to make me feel better. I said there was nothing you could do, because honestly, there wasn't. the mood was dead, and my anxiety and stress of the day to come took over. and do you know what you told me? you said: "Please honey, I don't want us to have to go to sleep this way. I don't want to end this night on a bad note." hmmm, does this sound familiar? and what was my reply?: "Well neither did I. That's why at 10:00 and 10:30 when you said you wanted me sleeping I was awake, because you were miserable and I didn't want to end the night that way. But here we are, in the same place we were then, and if I had known that we'd be in the same place we were then that we are now, I would have gone to sleep instead."

That is what I said. I wouldnt have rather slept just because you teased me, but it was also because I stayed up to cheer u up because I made a dumb comment just because i'm that open with myself that was in reply to what i felt, in all honestly, was an arrogant comment from you. and to just be in that same place again a couple hours later? When you were right, I should have gone to bed early because of the SAT? Do you see my point? It's not you, Love, its not you at all.

And besides, you are talking about two events that happened a week a part. What about the week between? What about when you came with us to my grandma's brunch for her birthday? What about how saturday night, we pretty much spent the whole night together? What about all the times I said I love you? What about all those serious conversations we had, about when/if I become a mom how i would talk to my kids about sex? What about what you told me about how I make you feel comfortable? What about when you told me that you've never wished that i'm not bi, even though I do all the time? What about how I started to cry because I was so happy that i mean that much to you, so much that you really do love me for me, that you love me so much you accept all of me, even the parts that hurt?

hmmmm............my computer just started playing our song. in that case, all i have to say is that i love you, and i really do miss you with all of my heart and soul. oh and by the way, all this, with the other person completely overlooking everything good in our relationship, has happened to me before too. We made it past October, barely thanx to you.

Please don't end this now.

The angel of your Nightmares,

Jennifer Anne Ruiz

....I love you......@};-"

oh great, and now "My Immortal" just started playing on my comp, and Nam you KNOW what this song does to me. Please don't make it about you. I love you, you know that, and after last weekend, you flying here and seeing me on impulse, shows that you do care, I know you love me so much, You've showed me that so many different ways....Why do you keep acting like I don't know that?

So here is the most recent round of e-mails that we have passed to each other. Why don't we just leave each other alone? I sent him an e-mail asking for my money and then he called me that night and tried to tell me that he is deeply sorry and that he realizes his mistakes and the consequences of them. BULLSHIT!

The red ones are what i wrote him and the green ones are what he wrote back to me:

"you just 'think that umm..' what? whatever. by the way, i was sleeping when you called."

"i am deeply sorry i woke you up from your beauty sleep."

(Note: I don't appreciate this cunt's sarcasm and I never have.)

"fuck you, i know you're not. also, another way you can "make it up to me" that i was going to tell you the other day on the phone was that if any one asks you what happened between us or why we don't speak any more, you tell them the truth. Tell them how you cheated on me, how you lied to me, how you raped and fucked me. Be honest for once in your fucking life. I suppose that that will help 'make it up to me.' Ok?"

"say what you want. Plus you know how I feel about telling people my personal problems."

"If you were really that sorry and really knew how much you hurt me, you would tell them anyway, just as a way to apologize for the ways you fucked me up and fucked me over. You wonder why i never believe you when you say you're sorry? It's because you dont show it and you never did."

"Well im really sorry for that . u know how i am. and if doing that to show that i am sorry then i guess im not really sorry then...what else can i say.....I would like it if u stop writing me emails and let  me be."

So, after all the pain he has caused me, he can't just push away his own selfish feelings for one moment to take off his mask and take a step in letting the world know who he really is? not nice, innocent Daneil, but a cock hungry beast who is a liar, a cheater, and a former meth head. I believe that he doesn't do it any more, because while many people at school like him and he is popular in a way, he is too fucking in love with the family that abused him and made him the little faggot that he is today. Like i've said before, I dont call him a fag because he's gay, i'm bisexual after all, i call him that because he is every negative gay stereotype the world has ever known all roled into one. I replied with a lengthy e-mail, i may post it on here depending on how he responds, if he does at all. I tend to think he's too much of a pussy, though. He'll never have the balls to stand up to me and reply to the flaws i pointed out in his logic. He's so fucking selfish- can't even put himself aside just to give me some closure and piece, just to heal my ever bleeding wounds. He would rather let me die than try to save me, but that's fine. There is a reason why "Kill Bill" is my favorite movie ever, and there is a reason why my blog is called "blackmamba" with these pictures......

"O and just to let u know the part u got in the play is not because u are good, because she was going to give it to someone else, but didn't because she didn't want to lose your mom."

No, that's not the whole e-mail, but how stupid is it to write me that? You know that I'm telling Alex this right after school, because while he might be lying just to make me feel like shit it could be true, and this effects Alex not only as my competition, but also as my friend. She is my best friend after Nam, and even if she wasn't as my competition she still has a right to know. Oh, and lets not forget about the director, Ms. Carroll, who is the "she" my ex is referring to in this e-mail. I'm sure she would love to know that her dance captain is talking shit like that, whether it's true or not, not to mention that she knows about many of the things daniel did to me, including details on the time he nearly beat the shit out of me when we were high on pot, which i only smoked because he went and betrayed my trust AGAIN! I'm sure she would love to know this. God, my ex is so fucking stupid. You KNOW i only went out with him out of desperation!

This is for Roxie, a.k.a. http://roxiemohammed.mindsay.com/. She is in dire need of help, and while I can't contribute much, maybe some of you reading this can. Please visit http://homepage.mac.com/jemstone/FriendsOfRoxie/ to give any donations or help that you can! Be strong Roxie! Many people are willing to help you through all this! *hugs!*

So the cast list went up today. Normally this is a very exciting time, but sure enough, what i feared came true. I lost the lead to Alex. Do you know what part I have now? I'm her understudy, again. This happened my sophomore/her freshman year, also, but then i actually wasn't called back for that part. I was surprised to see that i was her understudy. Normally this might not seem like a big deal, either, but the problem is this: I'M A SENIOR!!! I WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE TO DO THIS AND ALEX WILL HAVE ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR!!!! she has a whole other fucking year! and the worst fucking part is this- cuz i'm her friend, when we were at the dance call back I HELPED TEACH HER THE DANCE!!! THE THING THAT WOULD MAKE OR BREAK THE PART FOR ME AND I HELPED HER STEAL IT FROM ME!!! and why? CUZ IM HER FRIEND AND IM JUST TOO FUCKING NICE!!! im always too fucking nice....and i know she wants this part. It's not like she doesnt and i can just say "well alex, if you really dont want it, talk to ms. carroll. tell her you dont feel right because you do have another year. tell her that i was helping you learn the dance in the hallway. tell her that you feel this way." the problem is, i know she doesnt. cuz i was her friend and she asked for help on the dance, i gave it up. I knew the dance. In fact, i still do. and in doing it slowly, I can do it perfectly. But when we go with the speed of the music, i fuck up. I was hoping Alex would too, but she didnt. i helped her get the part that i wanted so desperately, and i lost it because of that. Nothing good ever comes from being nice. all it ever does is hurt you and fuck you up. Only two people who i've been friends with have not screwed me over in some way, but then again there is still plenty of time.

The head of the math department at our school, Mrs. Tsutsui asked me how i felt about the cast list. She said that a very similar thing happened her senior year. She was so mad when the cast list went up that she kicked in the door to the girls' bathroom and broke it. She didn't mean to break it, but she did. It also bothers her that Alex has another year, and I don't. I talked to her about how its even harder because she is my friend. I told her that Alex is my best friend after Nam, and so when she asked for help on the dance, i did, and i lost the only part i was up for. I'm fucked now. I'm just an understudy.

Now my options are this: talk to ms. carroll about becoming the new student director, join the tech crew, or stay in the play. However, if  i stick with the last option, the play is no longer a priority. This is the first time that's happened. Even as a FRESHMAN i still worked my ass off and made the play my top priority! I've worked my ass off for all three years, and for what? Understudy. That's it. I told Mrs. Tsutsui all this, and she understands how i feel because it happened to her. she said "It feels like you've paid your dues." and it has, and i have shit to show for it.

Well i have more to say on this issue, but right now i need to go make dinner. later people.

Ok, so here is the entry I started earlier, but i didnt get to finish it because my fucking dad! He got mad cuz i wasn't cooking dinner and so he said i couldn't come online for the rest of the day! Anyway, here is the entry I had before with a little more of the things i feel:

 "So the cast list went up today. Normally this is a very exciting time, but sure enough, what i feared came true. I lost the lead to Alex. Do you know what part I have now? I'm her understudy, again. This happened my sophomore/her freshman year, also, but then i actually wasn't called back for that part. I was surprised to see that i was her understudy. Normally this might not seem like a big deal, either, but the problem is this: I'M A SENIOR!!! I WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE TO DO THIS AND ALEX WILL HAVE ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR!!!! she has a whole other fucking year! and the worst fucking part is this- cuz i'm her friend, when we were at the dance call back I HELPED TEACH HER THE DANCE!!! THE THING THAT WOULD MAKE OR BREAK THE PART FOR ME AND I HELPED HER STEAL IT FROM ME!!! and why? CUZ IM HER FRIEND AND IM JUST TOO FUCKING NICE!!! im always too fucking nice....and i know she wants this part. It's not like she doesnt and i can just say "well alex, if you really dont want it, talk to ms. carroll. tell her you dont feel right because you do have another year. tell her that i was helping you learn the dance in the hallway. tell her that you feel this way." the problem is, i know she doesnt. cuz i was her friend and she asked for help on the dance, i gave it up. I knew the dance. In fact, i still do. and in doing it slowly, I can do it perfectly. But when we go with the speed of the music, i fuck up. I was hoping Alex would too, but she didnt. i helped her get the part that i wanted so desperately, and i lost it because of that. Nothing good ever comes from being nice. all it ever does is hurt you and fuck you up. Only two people who i've been friends with have not screwed me over in some way, but then again there is still plenty of time.

The head of the math department at our school, Mrs. Tsutsui asked me how i felt about the cast list. She said that a very similar thing happened her senior year. She was so mad when the cast list went up that she kicked in the door to the girls' bathroom and broke it. She didn't mean to break it, but she did. It also bothers her that Alex has another year, and I don't. I talked to her about how its even harder because she is my friend. I told her that Alex is my best friend after Nam, and so when she asked for help on the dance, i did, and i lost the only part i was up for. I'm fucked now. I'm just an understudy.

Now my options are this: talk to ms. carroll about becoming the new student director, join the tech crew, or stay in the play. However, if  i stick with the last option, the play is no longer a priority. This is the first time that's happened. Even as a FRESHMAN i still worked my ass off and made the play my top priority! I've worked my ass off for all three years, and for what? Understudy. That's it. I told Mrs. Tsutsui all this, and she understands how i feel because it happened to her. she said "It feels like you've paid your dues." and it has, and i have shit to show for it.

Well i have more to say on this issue, but right now i need to go make dinner. later people."

So Ms. Carroll talked to me today, she wanted to know if i was doing ok. I told her "no", and then, even though she has some one else on the cast list as student director, she asked me if i wanted the position, too. I've been in the play a few times so i know the ropes, I have a very keen eye (I know that that's the nice way of saying i'm totally OCD with even the tiniest details), and i can help give notes. I think that as student director, and having a smaller part in the play will be a great experience. Also, i told her about what i figured my options are, and i told her that student director was one of them. we also talked about the part she gave me, and that i will actually have a few solos because the character that is supposed to sing them has enough songs already. needless to say that this might look better on a college application, but even if it didnt i still think it would be a great chance to show how responsible i am.

And for those of you who couldn't guess it, i'm going back to eating one meal a day again, no seconds, no desserts, no snacks, no any of that. and of course, i'll keep exercising and what not. Alex, you shouldnt be worried. Thanksgiving is in less than a week, anyway, and i'm sure i'll gorge myself then. Like i said, i know what I'm doing. I did this before, i lost a lot of weight and i was very happy. I'll be fine.

What color is most reflective of you?: Black. Most of my soul has been here for most of my life, but not so much anymore. It's also the color of night, the most wonderful time of day.

How did you get the idea for your diary name?: If you knew my relationship with my ex, you'd know why.

What time were you born: 4:30 pm
What song are you playing now, or wish you were playing?: I wish i was listening to me and Nam's song, but its not the same as if i just play it. It needs to be a surprise.

Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?: No, that i can remember.

What color underwear are you wearing?: hmm, let me check...what do you know, black cotton!

Do you want a baby?: yeah, but not yet. Also, i dont think i'd be a very good mom. ive never liked small children, although every time i have i've been told i work well with them too, so we'll see.

What does your mom do for a living?: Some sort of accountant for Roberts & Brune

What does your dad do for a living? yeah, he's a mail man

What is your pet's name?: I have a cat named Shadow, two mice named Mouse and Crackers, and two hermit crabs named Small One and Timmy, but i think they died when i was in Japan.

What color are your bedsheets?: White with Jungle Animals.

What are the last 5 digits of your phone number?: 7-7890. the last five of my cell are 2-5980

What song are you playing now?: Nothing Still.

What was the last concert you attended?: Projekt Revolution!!! Hells Yeah!!!

Who was with you?: my mom, my brother Brian, and my boyfriend Nam (even though he didn't mention us at all on his blog!!!

What was the last movie you saw?: I think it was "Resident Evil: Apocalypse"(with Nam, hehe!)

Who do you dislike most at this moment?: Same hit list as always: Daniel, his mom, her bf, his sister.

What food are you craving right now: those Whitecastle cheeseburgers!

Did you dream last night: Every body dreams every night, they just don't remember. I don't happen to remember today.

What was the last tv show you watched: The Simpsons!!

What is your fave piece of jewelry: That fish necklace i got in Santa Cruz with Alex and Nam!!

What is to the left of you: a fire place(if some of these sound familiar to what brian, tweekscoffee217 or krazykenny415, has on his blog, its cuz im his sister)

What was the last thing you ate: A burrito consisting of a flower tortilla, beans, hamburger meat, avacados, shredded chedder cheese, and sour cream. Yummy, but the one i had before it that also had letuce and tomato was better.

Who is your best friend of the opposite sex: Nam!!!!

Write a song lyric that's in your head: "Set me free, your heaven's a lie."

What song is that from: "Heaven's a Lie" by Lacuna Coil
Who last imed you today?: Nam again!!

Where is your signifigant other right now?: "eating with some of the guys". That's what he said.

Do you have a crush?: You bet your juicy ass i have more than a crush!

What is his name?: Nam, a.k.a. captainnemo!

What shampoo do you use?: Head and shoulders, frizz-ez steps 1-3 of the extra strength kind, Panteen Pro-V Smooth & Sleek Shampoo, Loreal Paris's conditioner that's supposed to straighted out hair; i forget what it's called. I hate my curly hair! I want straight hair!!!

When was the last time you cut your hair: at least a year...

Are you on any meds: nope, and i dont plan on changing that.

Do you have a mental disease: Probably, but i'm not gonna take some pills just to believe a lie.

What shirt are you wearing: my green uniform shirt. Sigh, i still haven't changed out of it.

What time is it: 8:16pm

What color is your razor: well the thing i shave with is pink. (Damn girl shit, its always fucking pink. why can't it be a different color for once?)

What is your fave frozen treat?: Phish Food from Ben & Jerry's!!

Whats your favorite shopping store?: I guess i would have to say Hot Topic, although I also like Spencer's and have found some better stores online that aren't incredibly over priced or owned by the Gap like Hot Topic, but alas, I have no credit card so i have no way to make my perchases. Besides that, i dont think my parents would be too happy about the things i'd buy....I'm sure i'll have some better stores once i turn 18, though ;)

Are you thirsty: no, not really. well, maybe a little now that you mention it.

Can you imagine yourself ever getting married: its more of a hope than a deffinate thing i can see in my imagination. I don't want to jinx anything, but we'll see if the one is out there for me....

[Current Clothes] tan bra, grey long sleeved V-neck shirt, black jeans, grey & white scrunchies, rainbow toe sox, white sox over them

[Current Mood] Depressed, enraged, and betrayed. This will not happen to me again.

[Current Music] My computer is as silent as my trust is empty for some one i thought was my friend.

[Current Taste] Lava Sobe
[Current Hair] Up in a ponytail
[Current Annoyance] That some one told me a bunch of nice bullshit yesterday when she had stabbed me in the back only hours before.
[Current Smell] some random perfume. What the hell is that, cuz im not wearing it!
[Current Book you're reading] Kink by Susan Crain Bakos

[Current CD in CD Player] None. once again, empty as the music that once rang for some one beautiful.
[Current DVD in player] Nothing, but i might go watch "Kill Bill" later

[Current Worry] What to do about her, and she knows who she is.

[You (Last) Touched] Like a person? I dunno, i dont touch people. other than my sobe bottle or myself, i'd say my cat.

[You (Last) Talked to] In person? my mom. online: Nam
[You (Last) Hugged] who cares. I never get hugs, although...i dunno, a few people hugged me at mass a couple weeks ago, i dont remember who was last, but i remember alex was one of them.
[You (Last) Instant messaged] Nam
[Last Instant Messaged You] Nam
[You (Last) Yelled At] My dad, but he yelled at me first, so it was more like i was just yelling back. fucking cunt....
[You (Last) Kissed] duh, my Pooh Bear! (that's a pet name of mine for Nam, if you don't know.) 
[You (Last) Laughed at] The boys in my anatomy class, hehehe.... 

[In the morning I am] Tired
[All I need is] To get through this month and feel my lover in my arms again and i'll be ok.
[Love is] A beautiful thing that can also mame, blind, and destroy you. It's a double edged sword, one of peace, ecstacy (not the drug, look it up in a fucking dictionary), and nirvana (once again, use a dictionary.) It is also black and twisted, taking advantage of and backstabbing those who have it for one and think the other has it for them. Love is both good and evil, just like a superpower. In the right hands, it is the best thing in the world, but place in the wrong ones nothing comes from it but a mass genocide of the heart and soul.

[I'm afraid of] The weeks to come. (and spiders and the developmentally disabled. and sometimes the dark. and being burned by the oven or boiling water. and...) 
[I dream about] all kinds of things, sex and death mostly

[Sit on the internet all night waiting for someone special to I.M. you?] Yes, and he remembers when we used to do that in March and April before spring break because we'd both wait for each other! :)

[Save AOL/AIM conversations] Yeah, as well as some yahoo and i think one or two msn ones.
[Wish you were a member of the opposite sex] Yes, and every now and then i still do

[Cried because of someone saying something to you] Yes, many times.
[Fallen for your best friend] Yes
[Used someone] I'm a girl, what do you expect? besides, one of them used me first. 
[Been cheated on] Yes, unfortunately. Many times. Not only that, but it was with his cousin who had been cheating on his gf, and his crank whore (yes, she really did whore herself for meth or money to get it) mom's bf. i've been tested for STDs once because of that, and since he couldnt stop i need to get tested again. (His cousin, by the way, raped him two months after he cheated on me with him. part of me felt bad because rape is horrible, but at the same time, of the 34 times me and my ex had sex, at least 10 of  those times he raped me. it felt good to know that he knew how it felt, how i felt every time he did that to me. then i asked myself, wait: he was raped two months before he dumped me. he told me this two months after he dumped me. He raped me at least two or three more times after that incident and before we broke up. if he knew how it felt not only cuz i told him how i felt, but because it was even DONE TO HIM, then why did he still do it?)

[Cheated on Someone] That ex boyfriend i mentioned up there? imagine that you're 14, been neglected and abused your whole life, and you also happen to be a very curious person. so a 26 year old comes along, says he'll "show you the ropes" and since you're desperate and curious you think "ok, he'll use me, and in turn i'll get off. sounds like a good deal." no relationship, no love involved, and we both knew it. (don't worry, we never fucked.) so he eventually decides its too risky and sees you one last time because this other boy you're friends with wants to be your friend with benefits and you say ok. (you and the other guy, Eric, only make out once, and you break it off.) anyway, the same day that the 26 year old last sees you, a friend from school, Daniel, calls you for the first time. you miss the 26 year old so much, you tell daniel (who is also 14) everything. then he asks you out. little suspicous. he bugs you all night long, you say wait until tomorrow. he calls you hella fucking early, bugs you all morning and you say "ok. if i continue to see Eric while im together with you, would that be ok?" he says yes. little more suspicious. so two days after the two of you get together, he comes over. the two of you are home alone. you go a little too fast, too soon, and lucky you, this is the first, but not the last time he rapes you. even though you'd seen that 26 year old for three months, he'd never eaten out or fingered you. meanwhile, you've been together with daniel for two days, and he rams his hand down your pants, shoves his finger into your pussy, which has never had anything other than a tampon in it, and keeps it there. It hurts, cuz not only is this your first time being fingered, but YOU DON'T WANT IT THERE!!! YOU DONT WANT TO GO THIS FAST THIS SOON!!! so what do you do? you try to pull on his arm to get it out of you, and he only pushes in harder and over powers you. you try so scream "STOP IT!! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!" but what does he do? he kisses you, and now you can't scream. you're first boyfriend honest to God rapes you two days after you get together. 6 days later, the two of you and a friend and her brother see a movie, go home, and while you're writing a note to your cunty and horny bf, that 26 year old calls again. He wants to see you. What do you do? I'll tell you what i did in that situation. With all that, I figured my ex was using me, so while cheating is wrong, would you have thought your bf would care? especially cuz he said i could keep seeing Eric, too? (even though i never actually did. me and him made out the week before.) I thought he was just using me, and now after everything has been done i know he was despite all the bullshit he told me after i told him what i did, but yes, i have cheated on some one, and it only happened just that one time, under all of those cirumstances. Can you blame me?
[Done something you regret] Yes, one thing now more than ever.

[# Of hearts I have broken?] Just one that i know of, and i'm sorry about it but he turned out to be a cunt. hmm, come to think of it if you count both my ex's, that would be two, actually, cuz a week after my last ex/the one i mentioned above dumped me, he wanted me back and i said no cuz i wanted to see how thngs went with Nam first. 
[# Of people I have kissed?] Lets see...there was Huntly when i was four, does that count? if not, then there's Phoenix, Eric, Daniel, his mom's bf when i was high on meth(and he still had to talk me into it when i was high), and the best kisser of all: Nam!!!! 

[# Of continents I have lived in?] 1
[# Of drugs taken illegally?]  cigarrettes 3 times, pot 3 times, smoked meth 2 times and i've been sober since last October. I'm done with all that.
[# Of good friends?] It was three, but now i'm down to two....
[# Of CDs that I own?] I'd have to guess some where in between 75 and 90. its a wide gap, i know, but its somewhere in there.

[# Of scars on my body?] The ones on my body, probably about 10 consisting of a chicken pox scar, like five on my knees from when i tripped and fell and repeatedly skinned them as a kid, and the rest being faint remainders of the things i did to my legs a year ago. Emotinal scars....let's just say they're not only still bleeding, but someone who i thought had some fucking logic in her head just gouged in a new wound to heal while simultaniously throwing salt in another...
[# Of things in my past that I regret?] too many to count....and now i have one more to add to the list......

[I know:] Very little anymore, the world is too ugly to see truths.
[I want:] TO BE LEFT THE FUCK ALONE SO I CAN LIVE MY OWN FUCKING LIFE!!!
[I have:] Nam, Sadaf, and a cat named Shadow. all i need now is my life back.

[I wish:] I could run away and become a stripper so i can make loads of money fast and support myself and pay my own college tuition. 
[I hate:] Close minded, ignorant, arrogant people, as well as hypocrits and those who throw away their friendships based on egocentric assumptions
[I miss:] Being happy, but i know i will be in a little less than a week again.
[I fear:] The future, as well as and spiders and the developmentally disabled. and sometimes the dark. and being burned by the oven or boiling water. and.....

[I hear:] Some commercial on the TV that my brother is watching

[I search:] for truth, understanding, and love as well as happiness. apparently, this is too much to ask for...
[I wonder:] What will happen in the future
[I Love:] Nam, the rain, night, sex, darkness, black, whips, chains, razor blades, and many other things.
[I AM NOT:] happy with my life right now. I'm also not wearing underwear.

[I dance:] when im in a seductive mood
[I sing:] All the time. I love to sing
[I cry:] whenever some one hurts me. Thanx for adding to my pain, you stupid whore.
[I fight:] everyday. There is always some sort of battle, and a new one has come up.
[I write:] Poetry/song lyrics, and update my blog

[I confuse:] trustworthy people with those who aren't. i thought i'd figured that all out, but i guess i was wrong...
[I listen:] To anyone's problems and try to help. i wish people would do the same for me, but the world is full of backstabbers and liars, people who say they are you're friend and are yet no better than your ex.

This is a small discussion me and Roxie, (http://roxiemohammed.mindsay.com/), had earlier today:

“Thanks Jennifer.  :) Sorry to hear about your play...”

 I replied: 

"im not too upset about it now. I talked to the director yesterday and so now i both have a small lead and am assistant student director (cuz there's two of us), and i think that will be a great experience. what im pissed about now, though, is that my "friend" Alex assumed that i had cut myself because i didnt get the part i wanted before i told her that i cut a small part of my leg, and it was so shallow its more of a scratch which is a hell of a lot better than actually cutting any where on my arms, and that i didnt do it just because of the play, but i ask got into a fight with my dad and my fucking whore ass mom didnt stand up for me at all when she used to all the time, as well as the fact that i have just been having one thing after another happen since i came back from Japan. Where did this assumption take her? She went and told the school councilor that i cut myself cuz i didnt get the lead. The school councilor called my mom and told her. My mom came and lectured me, and i showed her that there was nothing on my arms so that she would go away. The school councilor is supposed to talk to me on Monday. the area is almost completely healed, i doubt there will be anything there when she talks to me. i just feel so betrayed because she assumed and then rather than talk to me first, she talked to some one else, first, and i know that she's gonna throw that Peer Helper shit in my face and use it as an excuse to stab me in the back like that."

She replied: 

"Wow... That sucks!  I'm so sorry to hear that... I know what it's like to cut and how embarrassing it is to be confronted about it... I'm sure your friend didn't mean any real harm... She was probably worried, but that's still pretty shitty to tell the teacher because of it... Hope things get better for you...”

I replied: 

“it just hurts cuz i wouldnt even go as far to call most of them cuts, they are mostly just scratches, and the ones that do bleed don't bleed very long, or very much. i've had cat scratches that are deeper than things i've done with my pocket knife, and on top of it i just cut a small area on the side of my calf. she made a bunch of fucking assumptions about what i did, and why i did it, and she can kiss our friendship goodbye. Nam talked to her a bit online earlier cuz he wanted to, not cuz i told him to, and she said she did it cuz she's a peer helper, and so am i. I knew she would use that as an excuse, but i told him this: If a friend came to me and told me they had cut themselves, i would want to know where, with what, what even made it happen, what was their intention (to die, to bleed, to get the pain out, etc.), how deep they were, and i would want to see them. This way i can assess how bad the situation really is and decide whether i should reason with the person or go straight to a counsilor. I've told her before about what i do, and Nam even told her this earlier that they're not nearly as bad as you would think. He saw them last April, which was the last time i cut up until Thursday. She didn't even bother to get the whole story as to why or talk to me first. She just assumed. if she's such a fucking Peer Helper, she would have spoken to me and assessed the situation first. Not decided "hey, i can be a hero!" and run off talking shit just cuz it will look good on a college application. She has no idea how much worse she has just made things for both her, and me. she fucked up”

Me and Nam then had this bit of conversation on yahoo messanger:

Nam Nguyen: i'm talking to alex
thebridesrevenge: you are?
thebridesrevenge: hmm
Nam Nguyen: yeah
thebridesrevenge: and?
Nam Nguyen: the worst patients are always doctors
thebridesrevenge: what do you mean?
Nam Nguyen: Jennifer
Nam Nguyen: basically what i'm trying to tell her is that you know what they'll try to do
Nam Nguyen: you want to be a psychology major for crying out loud
Nam Nguyen: you know their every move
Nam Nguyen: you know what they'll try to do
Nam Nguyen: and that will nullify any attempt
Nam Nguyen: so the best thing to do is rely on a person that isn't using the textbook
Nam Nguyen: someone close by, someone that knows you almost better than you know yourself
Nam Nguyen: because i won't make any assumptions
Nam Nguyen: i'll know everything i need to know
thebridesrevenge: wait
Nam Nguyen: but she's not online
thebridesrevenge: are you telling her all that stuff, or are you telling me that stuff?
thebridesrevenge: wait, then how are you talking to her?
Nam Nguyen: she was on a second ago
thebridesrevenge: oh

Nam Nguyen: but she was kicked off before i could tell her everything i told you
thebridesrevenge: how do you know she was kicked off?
Nam Nguyen: she said her internet is funky
thebridesrevenge: i see
thebridesrevenge: sigh
thebridesrevenge: did you tell her that "someone" went and talked to mrs. weeks so she called my mom and told her that?
Nam Nguyen: yeah
Nam Nguyen: she did tell them
Nam Nguyen: because she's a peer helper
Nam Nguyen: and you are too
thebridesrevenge: i am
thebridesrevenge: but she's also my friend
thebridesrevenge: and i knew she would throw that shit in my face as an excuse
thebridesrevenge: and i figured that as a friend, she would talk to me first
thebridesrevenge: if she couldn't reason with me, then she would see mrs. weeks
thebridesrevenge: but she didnt
thebridesrevenge: she backstabbed and betrayed me
thebridesrevenge: then tried to reason with me
thebridesrevenge: does that seem a little out of order to you?
Nam Nguyen: yes
Nam Nguyen: and that's what i said
Nam Nguyen: she didn't get everything
Nam Nguyen: she only went on part of the truth

Nam Nguyen: and now more people with even less knowledge will be trying to find out more from you
Nam Nguyen: and you want to talk to people your comfortable with
Nam Nguyen: not just anyone that happens to ask
thebridesrevenge: did she get all of that?
Nam Nguyen: yeah
Nam Nguyen: and that now everything's different
Nam Nguyen: catch 22
Nam Nguyen: you tell them everything, they dig for more
Nam Nguyen: tell them nothing, they'll only dig deeper
thebridesrevenge: yeah
thebridesrevenge: she fucked up royal
thebridesrevenge: this is why you dont go on assumptions
thebridesrevenge: and this is why i will no longer be her friend
thebridesrevenge: if she comes back on, just tell her anything else you didnt get to
thebridesrevenge: she does know that you talked to her because you wanted to and not because i asked you to, right?
Nam Nguyen: yes
Nam Nguyen: of my own accord
Nam Nguyen: so that she knows i'm serious
thebridesrevenge: hmm
thebridesrevenge: ok
Nam Nguyen: you really do know what they'll do huh?
thebridesrevenge: im sorry, you know i dont want you in the middle of my troubles
thebridesrevenge: yes i do

thebridesrevenge: i do know what they'll do
Nam Nguyen: i cant help it
thebridesrevenge: and thats why i was dumb enough to trust her that she'd talk to me first
Nam Nguyen: i'm doing my best to help you
thebridesrevenge: get the full story
thebridesrevenge: reason with me
thebridesrevenge: and if that didnt work, at least now she would have all the details
thebridesrevenge: and then she would go to mrs. weeks
thebridesrevenge: she wouldnt destroy my life like this
Nam Nguyen: please Jennifer
Nam Nguyen: i'm doing my best
Nam Nguyen: relax
Nam Nguyen: lie down on the couch or something
Nam Nguyen: i'm not patronizing you, you know that
Nam Nguyen: please
Nam Nguyen: relax
thebridesrevenge: i know you're not
thebridesrevenge: im not saying you are
thebridesrevenge: does it sound like i am?
thebridesrevenge: if it does im so sorry
thebridesrevenge: im really not
thebridesrevenge: i just cant believe she was that stupid
Nam Nguyen: hmm
Nam Nguyen: i know

thebridesrevenge: get all the facts first
thebridesrevenge: its the most logical fucking thing in the world!
Nam Nguyen: i know
thebridesrevenge: thats what really pisses me off
thebridesrevenge: if sadaf or somebody came to me and said she had cut, id ask her everything
thebridesrevenge: every reason why, where she did it, what she used, what her real intention was, everything
thebridesrevenge: alex went off of assumptions
thebridesrevenge: i cant believe she did that
thebridesrevenge: i cant believe i had another daniel in my life
thebridesrevenge: and i'll let her know that, too
thebridesrevenge: cuz thats honestly how i feel
Nam Nguyen: that's why you're what peer helper's need
Nam Nguyen: a person that knows psychology
Nam Nguyen: and the needs for proper help
Nam Nguyen: you know yourself better than anyone else
Nam Nguyen: that's why i always let you tell me what you want to do
thebridesrevenge: im happy that you trust me
Nam Nguyen: i have to

So i talked to my friend Sadaf a just a few minutes ago. I had a huge crush on this girl our sophomore year, (i wouldn't go as far to say that i "loved her in that way", but i deffinately had feelings for her.) This conversation is one of the litte things that reminds me why, (Sadaf if you're reading this, i don't anymore. It's not because you're not a spectacular person, its just that i'm in love with my Nam now!):

I know its Thanksgiving and that some of you probably feel i should be going on about how thankful i am for what i have, and believe me, there are many things i am thankful for. but i need to get out something that i am not thankful for, because it is something that bothers me. first, though, i need to explain: I used to listen to Loveline a lot when i was in 7th and 8th grade, and even a bit as a freshman, but not much. I would hear these girls call that ended up having dysfunctional relationships like their parents did, and out of curiosity i checked the statistics to only find that all that shit was true, and that between 7 out of 10 to 4 out of 5 (that's 8 out of 10, for those of you that don't know) people, girls and guys, end up in relationships like their parents. An example of this is a boy grows up seeing his mother beaten and ends up a wife beater. he doesnt do it neccessarily because he wants to hit his wife, but its more so because that's the relationship he saw growing up and so that is the only thing he knows to do when his loved one makes him made. If you think about it, we see our parents' relationship with each other from the day we're born, and subconsciously they are the ones that really teach us for much of our lives that relationships should be.

None of this was comforting. Especially considering my parents' relationship.

Simply enough, it goes like this: My mom felt she was getting old, so she married my dad more out of desperation than love. They were off and on for a long time before they were engaged, so much so that my mom left him several times, but always came crawling back. When i was younger, they would always talk about having sex with each other, and while they would kiss all the time when i was a child, i've also been watching my dad smack my mom's ass in a very possessive and demeaning way my whole life, too. I think that at the very most...well, i only remember hearing my parents tell each other that they love each other three or four times. I'm 17, and long term memory cells develop at the age of two. Why do i remember them telling me how good the other one was in bed more than talks of love and gifts, and precious memories from dates with each other? It's because I didn't. As they got older, my dad started complaining because he wasn't getting any from my mom anymore. He would complain to me and my brother that she was having sex with him less and less, and now he says he doesn't get it anymore, and both me and my brother have been unlucky enough to accidentally stumble upon his porn on the computer. yes, it's disgusting indeed, and did my parents ever refer to their intercourse as making love? Even when my dad started telling me and my brother all the places they'd had sex in our house in front of my mom to embarass her and gross out my brother a little over a year ago? No. Maybe once, maybe twice, but by the time i was in first grade, "Your mom's not giving any any more", "Ed if you don't knock it off you're getting no nookie tonight!" its just been sex, sex, sex. not making love, having sex. Not to mention the fact that it's painfully obvious they have little to no love for each other any more. They ignore each other except for when they watch their tapes, and if they are talking at any other time, its usually a fight over something stupid, a fight over nothing. when i was in fourth grade, they almost divorced, and all i could think the whole time was "Thank you God, this will all be over now." But alas, no.....i know some of you with divorced parents may say that me and Brian are lucky because we don't, but i can't stand this shit anymore. niether of them are happy and they fight all the time over the dumbest things. Obviously me and brian don't like this, we both yelled at my dad to stop it today just a few minutes ago. they'd both be so much better off if they would split up- they'd be happier, and so would me and my brother, i believe.

I need to go help load stuff in the car now cuz we're leaving for my grandmother's house for our thanksgiving dinner soon, but before i do i must ask of those that know me: does any of this soud familiar?

Drinking blood is actually not bad for you at all unless there is some sort of STD in it or you drink two pints or more of it. And, if the blood doesn't have any diseases or viruses in it, it's not neccessarily bad for you to drink more than two pints. The reason people think it is is because it makes you vomit, and the reason drinking two pints of blood, (and eating a raw heart can do this too), is because of this:

Blood contains a lot of protein in it, and so do fresh hearts, whether they be human, deer, etc. If one were to eat a raw heart or drink two pints or more of blood, human or other, their stomach would over load on protein. Because the body does not know how to handle this mass amount of protein, it rejects it. In other words, you vomit. However, two pints is a lot of blood to drink, and not many people eat raw hearts of any kind except for first time hunters, cannibals, and even some religious denominations, but that's it.

So while drinking blood isn't bad for you, it can just be unsafe. Other than that, i agree, its my life, and if cutting my boyfriend and licking up his trail of blood freaks you out, fuck you. I like it, and so does he.

Sorry if this was boring, i just wanted all the close minded cunts out there to know that drinking blood has no health risks other than the potential contration of an STD, and that's it. While that is a large risk to take, the only blood i would be injesting woule be Nam's and i know that he's clean and safe. I don't feel like lecturing people and telling them that the "it won't happen to me" mentality is bullshit, cuz believe me, if you think that way, it will happen to you!! but i'm not here to lecture, so yeah, that's all i have to say on that.

The Blood Fetish Vampire is a human that has a strange attraction to blood. Although blood induces vomiting in humans, these Blood Fetish Vampires are able to swallow it. Blood cannot be digested by humans for energy, and is no different in these Blood Fetish Vampires, which pass the blood out in their dung, urine, and sweat gland excretions. There really is no explanation as to why certain humans have these blood fetishes, but some of the afflicted actually believe they are Biological Vampires. They may bleach their skin lighter, sleep in coffins, or have their teeth capped to create fangs. Classic and Biological vampires, being immune to all forms of disease, have nothing to worry about by drinking blood. However, these Blood Fetish Vampires can contract AIDS, or any other communicable disease via the blood they ingest."

i got this from http://www.monstrous.com/. just incase none of you believed me on what i wrote before....

i had started another entry earlier about what me and Nam did last night, but i should talk to him first about how many details i should include. he tends to be a very personal guy, and while everything we do is meaningful, i tend to be very open about my experiences and i wouldn't want to offend him. the subject i want to touch on now, which i should also probably clear with him first, i can ask him about later cuz this one is more my thoughts. the subject is erotic exphixiation, (did i spell that right?), and basically is when you strangle some one or they strangle themself to get off. there are a few other terms for this practice as well, the more official one being the "subject" of this entry, but as a sadist, its actually not something i've much ever thought about or considered trying. just cuz i get off on seeing Nam suffer doesn't mean that i don't love him with all my heart and soul, (or that he doesn't like it ;)), and while i have cut him before and such, even before i was with him i always thought it would be too dangerous and it wasn't worth the risk. i mean, how much would that suck?

well, Nam came back home Wednesday morning, and he came and saw me after i got home from school. he took brian to the mall to see erin, then came back and by then the electritions that were here were gone, so we were alone for at least an hour and a half. we kissed for a bit and just held each other, and then we started moving all the shit back into my closet. (the electrictions had to get under the house, the only way under the house is through my closet. so they took everything out in such a way that the rest of my room was left inaccessable and one of them even left his coffee in my room, right in front of my mice's tank. poor little mice...) while we were doing that, we could both feel that we wanted each other, after having been away from each other for so long, after not having time alone together like this for so long. we didn't do anything for a while, until we almost had everything back in my closet. he was helping me and we were both in there. as we walked out, (please don't think i'm rich with a walk in closet. beleive me, when its empty, you can squeeze in four people maximum and that's it.), we found ourselves in the door way together, my back against the right side of it, one of his arms rapped around me, and we started sharing our ever so passionate kisses again. he's such a good kisser, but we stopped, looked into each other's eyes, smiled, and moved. we both had the same conflict with in ourselves, we wanted to be physical with each other, but at the same time we also just wanted to be intimate and loving because there is always a fear of sexaul activity getting in the way. its a good thing he's still a virgin!

anyway, fast forward a while, we did end up dry humping, as well as some other things first, and i was on top of him first. usually i ride him and if he "pisses me off" i twist his nipples and slap him across the face and call him some names. the problem was, because i wanted to try and keep it intimate, i couldn't bring myself to slap him. i twisted his nipples plenty, but the slap....it just wasn't happening. as we usually play, he started to speed up and thrust underneath me, and usually i would hit him to make him stop and i couldn't bring myself to do it. i didn't want to just yell out "stop it" because i knew he wasn't doing it to be a horny prick, but was doing it because he wanted to be hit. i didn't want to say "stop it" because the tone would have been wrong, and for some reason i didn't want to slap him, so i did something i've never done before, and as stated above, have never considered, either: i stuck out my hand, and grabbed his throat.

i don't know what made me do it. i think it was just a primal instinctual thing because i paniced out of a lack of options. I grabbed his throat, and began to choke him. it just so happens that i loved it, and coincidentally, so did he. there was something about it, about feeling the power that his life was right there in my hand, feeling the muscles around his trachea and larynx squirm for air, and after he stopped what he was doing, i stopped choking him. all we could do is smile at each other, the same thought running through our minds: "Wow, that was new." why he enjoyed it, im not sure, but we giggled a bit and after i put my hair down, tossed it around, groped myself, flashed my tits for a split second, and twisted his nipples some more as well as pinched his balls through his pants, i asked him if he wanted to go on top. whenever he does, its a very intimate experience, but keeping on the subject, when he was tired of thrusting, (he's never cummed from dry humping, but i have a couple times when i was on top), he just layed on top of me and we talked. Don't worry kids- this is perfectly normal. we held each other, our arms lightly locked around the other's body, and we talked about what i had done earlier, that it was new and fun, but we should take it slow. i gripped his throat again, and he began to cough. i stopped, and then did it again. like i said, i may be a sadist, but i still love him very dearly and don't want to kill him. he started coughing this time as well, so i stopped again and let him finish coughing for breath. after that, he was fine.

That night was the first episode of CSI with the dominatrixes. those of you who watch CSI, and yes this is the original one in Las Vegas, might know what i'm talking about. anyway, a woman is found dead and nude in a sand box, covered in scars with $10,000 implants. they find that she works and as a dominatrix in a huge house with other doms, obviously, and that this girl was actually a "switch"- in other words, she worked as both a dominant and a submissive. While working as a submissive one fateful night, her returning customer covered her body in liquid latex, put a mask on her face, and put two straws up her nose that she breathed through. he had told her to beg for air (he was pretending that it was his wife), and he placed his thumbs over the ends of the straws. the girl suffocated. i had called Nam to tell him that that episode is on, seeing as how i am very much like Lady Heather, the chik who runs the place, and he is very much like Gill Grisom, and you'll know who he is if you watch the show. I knew this episode well and had remembered that that was how the girl died, but just seeing it again when i had started choking my boyfriend to get the both of us off earlier that day gave it a new meaning. even though i called him to tell him that it was on, (he'd seen it before, he used to watch CSI regularly), he was only able to see the last 15 minutes, and we both felt the same way. It was fun, but lets take that one really slow, and let's not try it again for a while.

Some of you may be asking "what kind of a sadist are you?" seeing as how i'm putting my parnter's life before our own superficial gratifications, but he is the most amazing person i have ever known. i can find other masochists, sure, or even just do this shit to unwilling partners for extra fun, but Nam and i have all the same interests and i don't think there is any one in the world that has as diverse of a personality as me other than him. He's not just a great sexual lover, but he is a wonderful emotional lover as well, and i have no desires to kill him intentionally or on accident. torture, maybe. tie him up and whip his cock, maybe. sneak up behind him and rape him with a strap on as i bite into his neck, maybe. but i don't want to kill him, and if i don't choke him often then i have less opportunity to decide that its better than twisting his nipples or using tickle torture, or poking him with pins and making that my primary weapon in bed. the more i use it, the more i like it, and the more risk there will be. maybe in december we can try it again, but until then, my cat-of-nine-tails that yes, he tied pennies onto the end of each tail and gave to me as a gift to use on him, is getting lonely, and so is my golf club stick that he gave me as a gift as well, hehehe... :D

i know that for the longest time, the main reason why i wanted to get married is to that i wouldn't be lonely and i wouldn't die alone, something that was once my biggest fear. That probably stems from the fact that i was so neglected as a child, but anyway, i don't think that way anymore. that's the mindset my mom had, and she married my dad. i started an entry on thanksgiving day that goes more into detail about all that, but i basically almost ended up like that. thank god i got out of that horribley abusive relationship, and a few weeks later i found myself in a very beautiful one.

now, the only reason i want to get married is because i very dearly love the person i'm with. if we ever break up, i'll be sad because he means a lot to me, but i'm not dependent on relationships anymore. i don't need to get married to feel loved, as long as i have friends or make some sort of impact on this world, i'll never be alone.

take away loneliness? yes. emptiness? believe me, it will only add to it if those are the only reasons you are getting married. please, only marry for love, not money, not children, not anything else. like i said, my parents didn't marry for that reason, and i almost didnt either. you'll feel only more empty and miserable, and in a way, you will be lonely because you have lost yourself. don't make this dumb mistake. take care.

Two years ago today i made what i feel so far is the best worst mistake i've ever made.

One year ago today, how the fuck could i be so blind.......

Tomorrow is World AIDS Day, and this year's theme is Women, Gilrs, HIV and AIDS. God i wish i had known in advance, cuz i would have tried to talk Nam into letting me get tested today cuz i still need to after my ex cheated on me so many fucking times. sigh, its so sweet, though, the reason he wont let me do it sooner is because he wants to be there with me to support me. how amazing is that? God i love Nam, he's the best, but back to the subject now, i hope you are all educating yourselves about this, and for those of you who might need or want some help with that, here is a link to one of many websites out there about this subject: http://www.avert.org/worldaid.htm. please see it if you need to educate yourself about HIV/AIDS!!! believe me, it is not just a "gay man's disease", and it scares me that some of you out there still think that!!! there were two quizzes one that link directly that you can take, the first one is http://www.avert.org/wadquiz.htm and i got 9 out of 10 on it, and the second one is http://www.avert.org/womenquiz.htm and i got a 7 out of 10 on it, so even i who thought i knew everything has a lot to learn. please don't over look this day or think this can't happen to you! take care.

i just found out that my english teacher who like half the girls in the school have a crush on (but i don't) is a Pices. i said that Pices are weird just because all three of my boyfriends have been Pices and they were all born within 9 days of each other. then i thought of something else about piceses guys, but i kept it to myself- all three of my bf's have also had five inch cocks.

i really dont want to know if my teacher does.

so....you Pices boys, how big are you all? :D

and be honest!!

i feel like all this week i have been doing something wrong. Nam and i have had not one good night this week, there has been something wrong everyday, and now he's all upset cuz his computer is acting up, but he won't even tell me what's wrong. why won't he talk to me? what did i do wrong? im starting to have doubts, like i did when he first went off to UCSD. i feel like maybe he is forgetting about me or getting tired of having a loved one so far away. i dont know, but i feel that something is just...wrong. i hate this fucking feeling! here's a piece of conversation i was having with erin about this whole thing and how i feel:

thebridesrevenge: fuck
thebridesrevenge: i feel like all this week i've been doing something wrong
Aerinne (Brian's Chik): y?
thebridesrevenge: i dunno
thebridesrevenge: nam and i havent had one good night this week
thebridesrevenge: ive fallen asleep depressed every night
Aerinne (Brian's Chik): y waz been up
thebridesrevenge: and now he's upset cuz his computer was broken, but he wouldnt even talk to me and tell me
thebridesrevenge: he just said "its beign fucked up", thats it
thebridesrevenge: i dont know whats up
thebridesrevenge: maybe he's forgetting about me
thebridesrevenge: maybe he's tired of me being so far away
thebridesrevenge: i dont know whats wrong, but i feel like something is
Aerinne (Brian's Chik): aww..im so sorry
thebridesrevenge: its been tearing me apart cuz i dont get to talk to him as much anymore, and now when i had time to talk to him, he didnt want to
thebridesrevenge: maybe im just psychotic
thebridesrevenge: maybe something really is wrong
thebridesrevenge: he went to go talk to his suitmates, which isn't bad
Aerinne (Brian's Chik): have u talked to him aboot it ?
thebridesrevenge: but it hurts cuz he knows how much i love talking to him and how much it hurts that he didnt want to
thebridesrevenge: i will when i call him back in 15mins

thebridesrevenge: he said to call him back at 9:30
Aerinne (Brian's Chik): ok
Aerinne (Brian's Chik): well i hope that goes well
thebridesrevenge: he asked me to wait on the line, but i feel irritable right now and a warm cell phone against my face isnt what i want
thebridesrevenge: yeah, me too
thebridesrevenge: i think i just feel this way cuz one of my friends almost broke up with her bf who is also in college
thebridesrevenge: i dunno....

maybe this is all in my head because of sadaf and joe, and i was meaning to talk to him about that too, and once again didnt get to because i didnt have time. god i hate this, i hate this so much...just go away....

on another note, i need to stop telling Peer Helpers about my life. i told Jennifer Padwall today about some of the shit my ex did to me and how he raped me and did drugs behind my back and what not, and she said that she wants to see him go to jail for this. at this point, i feel like it should be good fucking ridence if i can put him away for his horrible crimes, but at the same time, if i make a statement saying that we had sex 34 times and at least 10 were rape, my parents will know my sex life and also assume/know that some of those were when me and him were home alone at my house. i feel so bad, he made me do so many things i didnt want to, and the first time we were alone at my house is probably the worst case of that....i'll never forget....gah! im gonna stop now, im just getting more and more depressed now. damn it i wish i hadn't told sadaf that i had cut myself, id feel free to do it now, but you can trust me that i wont cuz if i did and put it on my blog, Alex would just go and snitch again....either way, im just hurting myself....:(

FIRSTS

First best friend: Jon Pierce 
First car: haven't had one yet
First real kiss: Phoenix

First break-up: freshman year

First screen name: sumbizkit41 or sumbizkitchik41 i think, i dont remember
First self purchased album: i dont remember...the backsteet boys or KoRn
First funeral: next door neighbor i think, i was 2
First pets: Shadow!!
First piercing/tattoo: not yet...
First enemy: the world

First music you remember hearing in your house: oldies


LASTS

Last car ride: home from school, thanx Alex
Last kiss: Sunday the 28th of November before Nam went back to UCSD :(

Last good cry: today when i told Nam about my flashbacks of my ex raping me...

Last library book checked out: Caring for the Mind

Last movie seen: the whole way through? "Team America"
Last beverage drank: water

Last food consumed: fried rice

Last phone call: Nam, and I'm still on the phone with him right now
Last time showered: ....:P
Last shoes worn: the vans look-a-likes from Payless shoe store that i'm still wearing now

Last item bought: With my own money?: Two rodent balls for the mice to run in when i clean their tank, a water mister for Nam, and another hermit crab
Last annoyance: my mother telling me that she feels she didnt prepare me enough for the world because the principle called her, had her come to school, and the cop told her about how i'd been raped. bullshit you're not going to hold this against me, say it all you want now

Last time scolded: schold isn't the right word, but ive been yelled at a lot recently...a scolding though, probably yesterday

well i'm making this secret entry public now, because the pain that i'm going through is bullshit since its likely that nothing will be done about the fact that my ex repeatedly raped me and that this whole thing is a waste of time. anyway, this is an e-mail that i wrote to Nam a while back about some feelings i've been having. read it and the replies below:

     

this one is from a different strip than the one above:

taken out of context they might not have the same effect, but anyway: why didnt somebody tell me there was a comic as awesome as this one?!

- Birthplace: Santa Clara, CA.
- B-day Month: February.
- Current Location: Santa Clara, CA.
- Eye color: Brown.
- Hair color: Nam says blondish-brown.

- Height: 5'3".
- Righty or Lefty: Righty.
- Zodiac sign: Aquarius.
- Your heritage: Mexican, German, English, Scottish, Irish, and possibly a little spansih and french (you know, mexico was concered by both several times....).

- Shoes you wore today: tan van look-a-likes from Payless shoe stores that i've drawn all over and are faded from all the rain they endured in Japan. ~*thumbs up*~
- Your weakness: Being too attatched, me being too open at times.

- Your strengths: Passion, intelligence, logic, Nam says beauty.

- Your fears: Spiders, the developmentally disabled, my death and/or my loved one's
- Your perfect pizza: Lots of pineapple, lots of cheese, and lost of tomato chunks.

- Goal you'd like to achieve: I'd like to have a happy, loving family, something i've never had...

- Your thoughts first waking up: oh fuck, somebody shoot me

- Your bedtime: When I feel like it, hopefully at least 11:30 on school nights.
- Your most missed memory: Going to concerts with my mom or the summer with Nam. those were better times...

- Pepsi or coke: Coke.
- McDonald's or Burger King: BURGER KING!! FUCK MCDONALDS! FUCK IT IN IT'S STUPID EYE!

- Best friends: Nam, Alex, and Sadaf

- Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Nam

- Adidas or Nike: N/A
- Lipton ice tea or Nestea: if i had to chose i'd go with lipton ice tea

- Chocolate or Vanilla: mmmm..........chocolate............................

- Cappuccino or Coffee: Cappuccino .
- Smoke: Not anymore.
- Cuss: Yes. Alot.

- Sing: Hell yes, i love to!
- Take a shower everyday: If only i had the time....

- Do you think you've been in love: Yes.
- Want to go to college: Yes, i do now, i didnt always.
- Where: Humbolt State University!

- Like(d) high school: Fuck SLA. Fuck it in it's stupid eye, too.

- Want to get married: Yes, but if it doesn't happen i'll be ok.

- Believe in yourself: Only if Nam is here to make me feel like i should.
- Get motion sickness: Yes.

- Think you're attractive: Not really, i have too much excess fat on my belly. i feel beautiful when Nam is here, but other than that, if i have self esteem on my own i usually start thinking of being stripper again...

- Think you're a health freak: No, just borderline anorexic.
- Get along with your parent(s): HA! you're kidding, right?

- Like thunderstorms: With a loved one i can cuddle with.

- Play an instrument: I fucking wish.
- Ambition: Be famous, not infamous. other than that, i dont care.

- Country/Place you would most like to visit: Egypt, but i would love to go to Japan again.
 
I n | t h e | p a s t | m o n t h . . .
- Smoked:  No.
- Done a drug: No.

- Had sex: Other than anal or oral? No.
- Gone on a date: Yes- "Team America" baby!

- Gone to the mall: No.
- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No.
- Eaten sushi: Peer Helper Party.

- Been on stage: Nope.

- Been dumped: Nope.
- Gone skinnydipping: I wish, but then again, my stomach is too fat.
- Dyed your hair: No.
- Stolen anything: No.

H a v e | y o u | e v e r . . .
- Been extremely trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes.
- Been called a tease: Oh yes, hehehe....
- Gotten beaten up: Only when i was raped.....

- Shoplifted: Does taking jellies from restaruants count?
- Changed who you were to fit in: I think i tried in fifth grade, but i just hated all that pop shit! that lasted about a week and then i said "fuck it- if i have to spend my whole life hated for who i am, then so be it." i hate the fucking posers that do it anyway, at least i figured in a week that being insulted and verbally abused for 14 years was better than being fake. fuck um all.

- Age you hope to be married: At least 24, and if not, we'll see.

- Described your dream wedding: In fern canyon, me in a black and crimson corset/gothic wedding dress, him in a nice tux. the less people the better, and that will the real wedding. we can have another ceramony later just for the family, although i don't know if i want mine showing up...we'll see how my groom feels.
- Thought about how you want to die: Oh yes- quick and painless, or just barely conscious enough to say goodbye to my loved ones, starting with the one i love most.

 
I n | y o u r | l i f e . . .
# of people I could trust with my life: Hmm...maybe one, dare i stretch it to two.

# of CDs that i own: between 70 and 90 i think.

# of piercings: None yet.

# of tattoos: None yet, i'm not really into them anymore, though.

# of scars on my body: Who gives a fuck, i only feeling like putting on more.

F a v o r i t e . . .
- Color: Black/Purple so dark its almost black- god i love deep, dark purple!

- Food: Avacado Cheeseburger.
- Boy's name(s): Jerome, Bryce/Brice, Olivera.

- Girl's name(s): Sage, Blanch, Tatum, Alice, Beatrix.
- Subject(s): Psychology digital photography, anatomy.

- Animal(s): Wolves, any kind of cat; tigers especially, orcas, bats.
- Sport(s): Archery, soccer, hocky.

H a v e | y o u | e v e r . . .
- Bungee jumped? No.
- Made yourself throw up? Not yet....
- Been in love? Yes.
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? ok, i admit it, yes.
- Cried when someone died? Yes.
- Lied? Yes.
- Fallen for your best friend? Yes.
- Been rejected? Probably, and i probably can't remember because the memory was so bad i repressed it and it is hidden somewhere deep in my subcounsious now, haunting me forever.
- Rejected someone? Yeah, and i laugh at his abusive ass too, fucking ex...
- Used someone? I think that every American girl does it at least once- nuff said.
- Done something you regret? don't get me started........

R i g h t | n o w . . .
- Clothes you're wearing: black "Nagasaki: Peace" shirt from the A-Bomb museum in Nagasaki when i went to Japan, white bra, black pants, dark purple undies, purple & white striped toe socks.
- Music you're listening to: None right now, but "Family Guy" is on.

- Time where you are: 10:40PM.
- Annoyance: You just want to piss me off by thinking of all the pain in my life, dont you? the world and all you fucking gullible hicks, that's what...among other things as well....
- Smell you're... eh, smelling: My skin.
- Current Desktop picture: this picture-

- Book you're reading: Kink.
- CD in the player: nothing right now.
- DVD in the player: None.

L a s t | p e r s o n  | y o u . . .
- Hugged: Nam.
- IM'd: my bro's chik.
- Yelled at: Probably a parent.

- Felt sorry for: Well Nam now....

- Missed terribly: Nam.

- Felt loved by: Nam.

- Spoke to: Nam, (I'm on the phone with him now).
- Cried to: Nam.
 
W h o | d o | y o u | w a n t | t o . . .
- Kill: Daniel, his mom, her bf, his sister, and possibley Steven Stockwell.
- Slap: Many more and the people above.

- Get really wasted with: Nam.

- Get high with: Nam, but i know better.

- Look like: I don't care as long as she's beautiful, or atleast as long as i think he's beautiful...
- Talk to face to face: It doesn't matter, i have nothing other to do than bitch...
- Talk to indirectly (on the phone, online etc.): Nam, but i guess he doesn't feel the same way...

R a n d o m . . .
- In the morning I look like: Shit.
- All I need is: Happiness.
- Love is: Painful, but it can also bring pleasure in the right hands...but all love brings pain.

- Flowers or candy: Flowers.

fuzzycookie1: i took my HIV/AIDS and other STD test today
fuzzycookie1: i get the results in a week
fuzzycookie1: i'm excited and nervous at the same time!
AngelShadow39: ya, thats good tho
fuzzycookie1: i know
fuzzycookie1: im proud of myself
fuzzycookie1: i dont know why
fuzzycookie1: it makes me feel cocky
fuzzycookie1: i wasnt proud of myself last time...
fuzzycookie1: maybe i just am this time because Nam is proud of me
fuzzycookie1: he even came in the booth with me when they took my blood
AngelShadow39: ya, cuz itll prob be the last time
AngelShadow39: awww
fuzzycookie1: i hope so
fuzzycookie1: i know, daniel didnt do that
AngelShadow39: ya
fuzzycookie1: but nam stood behind me and held my hand incase i was in pain
fuzzycookie1: it was so cute
fuzzycookie1: he was so worried
AngelShadow39: aww
fuzzycookie1: and then on the way back to the car, because i had to put pressure where the needle was to prevent bruising for at least 5 mins, he opened my car door for me and put my seatbelt on for me
fuzzycookie1: it was excessive, but very sweet
AngelShadow39: lol, awww
fuzzycookie1: yeah
fuzzycookie1: it was so cute

Yep, i finally got myself tested for STDs again, thanx to my ex's lying, cheating ass that still refuses to get tested and tell his ex that he should too. And yes, Nam was a big sweetheart to me and did all of the things that i told alex he did. I love my Nam, he cares about me so much! Thank you for being strong for me, sweetheart! I know this is a hassle for you as much as you deny it, and i thank you with all my heart! Anyway, just like the last time i got tested for STDs (and yes, the first time was because my ex was being unfaithful, too) i wasn't nervous at all until after i was tested, and i'm just getting so nervous and scared now that i might turn up postitive for something. i'm really scared to see my results, but i'm so lucky to have some one like Nam to help me through all of this and be so supportive of me. Oh, and my ex finally paid me $5 of the $25 that he owed me, and the has until my birthday, February 6th, to pay me the rest of it, and he's supposedly bringing me my cardboard Filbert from "Rocko's Modern Life" tomorrow. it's so odd, for the first time in a few nights, i'm in a good mood. to be honest, it's actually pretty....scarey.

Bold the following the apply:

1. i have a cat
2. i think i have a cat, im not sure though
3. my parents hate my music (*my dad does, anyway*)
4. i hate my parents music
5. i make bad decisions (*sometimes*)
6. i like fruitcake
7. i love holidays
8. my eyebrows are uneven
9. i love you
10. i play and instrument
11. im in the school band
12. i was in the school band at one point
13. i skipped a grade
14. i got held back a grade
15. i hate(d) middle school
16. i hate(d) high school
17. i own a furby
18. i have a chia pet
19. i like yoga
20. i smell like fruit
21. im tired
22. im energized
23. i love libraries
24. i cant spell
25. i love cows
26. im obsessive compulsive
27. i love cheese
28. i have flannel sheets
29. im amazed by sharpies
30. i have a sibling
32. i have more than one sibling
33. i like to buy people random gifts
34. i love hallmark
35. i hate plaid
36. i love plaid
37. i think im cool
38. i was just kidding when i bolded number 37
39. i didnt just bold number 37
40. i like zebras
41. i have a stuffed unicorn
42. i like salsa
43. i keep an emergency kit under my bed, just incase of an emergency.
44. i also have a first aid kit under my bed
45. i knit
46. i sew
47. i have attempted to make a quilt
48. i can cook (*somewhat*)
49. i cant even boil water
50. that was fun

___STATS___

NAME--Jennifer

AGE--17

DOB--Friday, February 6, 1987

HEIGHT--5'3"

WEIGHT--135lbs i think

SHOE SiZE--between 8 and 91/2 depending on the shoe

(((LOVE/ REALTiONSHiPS/ SEX)))

ARE YOU SiNGLE?--nope

iF YOU ARE, ARE YOU DATiNG ANYONE?--N/A

iF YOUR NOT WHO iS THE SPECiAL SOMEONE?--Nam!

HAVE YOU HAD YOUR FiRST KiSS?--yes

ARE YOU A ViRGiN?--no :(

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU HAD YOUR FiRST KiSS?--if you don't could that time when i was 4 w/ Huntly, then 14 w/ Phoenix

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR ViRGiNiTY?--16....*sigh* :( tear

HAVE YOU BEEN iN LOVE?--yes

HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED ON SOMEONE?--if only you understood the situation...fucking ex....

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CHEATED ON?--yes, with his mom's 20 year old bf and his cousin....

*~*~*SCHOOL*~*~*

NAME OF YOUR SCHOOL--Saint Lawrence Academy

GRADE--12th- yeah, im a senior

FAVORiTE TEACHER--Mr. Bandy!!!! but he left :(

FAVORiTE TEACHER--shove it.

[ [ [RiGHT NOW] ] ]

WHAT ARE YOU WEARiNG?--black sweats, black sweatshirt, black everclear shirt, green undies with black leapord spots, tan bra, black socks, tan vans look-a-likes i've drawn all over, a necklace Nam made for me and a yellow scrunchie.

HOW DO YOU HAVE YOUR HAiR?--up

WHAT ARE YOU LiSTENiNG TO?--nothing

WHATS iN YOUR CD PLAYER?--nothing

ARE YOU WATCHiNG ANYTHiNG?--nope

HOW iS YOUR MOOD TODAY?--pretty good.

WHATS THE WEATHER LiKE?--cold! its the winter time!

DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?--just my Nam :)

>>>>LAST PERSON YOU...<<<<

DATED/BOYFRiEND--before Nam? daniel...fucking cunt

KiSSED--Nam

TOUCHED--Nam

HUGGED--Nam

DANCED WiTH--Nam

TALKED ON THE PHONE TO--Nam, i'm talking to him right now

TALKED TO--my brother! surprise!

iMED--Nam

iMED YOU--schafle

CALLED--my brother again

_*:_:*_FAVORiTES_*:_:*_

BEVERAGE(S)--orange soda, peanut butter & chocolate shake, and of course, AVACADO SMOOTHIE FROM LEE'S SANDWICHES!!! (thank god i have a vietnamese boyfriend!!)

ALCOHOLiC BEVERAGE(S)--Screw driver, but i haven't had much else

OUTFiT YOU WEAR--i dunno, something sexy

COLOR--purple so dark it's almost black

TV SHOW(S)--family guy, the simpsons, futurama, Aminal Planet's "The Most Extreme" (yeah, that's right bitch)

MOViE(S)--gee, i wonder...."KILL BILL"!!!!

MONTH--april or may

DAY OF THE WEEK--saturday

NAME(S) OTHER THAN YOURS--Bryce/Brice, Jerome, Beatrix, Sage, Blanch, Tatum, Alice, Olivera, Jack, Sally ;)

MUSiC ARTiST(S)--oh jesus....

ACTOR/ACTRESS--Johnny Depp and Uma Thurman :D

FRAGRANCE--um, roses?

::::RANDOM::::

DO YOU HAVE PETS?--yes

iF SO WHAT ARE THEiR NAMES?-- Shadow, Mouse, Crackers, Spike, Small One, and Timmy

WHATS YOUR RiNGTONE ON YOUR CELL PHONE?--it came with the phone, it's called "cool"

DO YOU WEAR MAKE UP?--no

WHO ARE/iS YOUR BEST FRiEND(S)?--Nam and i guess Sadaf and Alex

DO YOU LiKE TO DANCE?--sometimes

HAVE YOU EVER SMOKED WEED?--yes *sighes again* :(

HOW MANY TiMES?--three

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN iN A FiGHT?--yes

DO YOU HATE ANYONE?--oh hell yes

DiD YOU LiKE THiS SURVEY?--its starting to make me sad :(

INFORMATION...... 
Sex: female
Sign: Aquarius
Siblings: Brian

Hair color: Golden Brown
Eye color: Nam says "Canyon Brown"

FASHION/STUFF........
Where is your favorite place to shop: Victoria's Secret, Spencer's, Fredrick's of Hollywood, and Hot  Topic- the conformint non-conformist's store (damn kids) 
Any tattoos or piercings: not yet....:D

SPECIFICS..........
Do you do drugs?: not anymore
What kind of shampoo do you use?: a few
What are you most scared of?:  I don't know, dying i guess and leaving my loved one behind without having lived so much of my life

Where do you want to get married?: when i'm atleast 24, if the time is right. if it doesn't happen then or at all, so be it, that's just how it's meant to be.

How many buddies are online right now?: i dunno, i'm not online right now.

What would you change about yourself?: my belly and my acne

FAVORITES........
Food: avacados and cheeseburgers. seafood and pasta are good, too.
Subjects in school: psychology and anatomy

Animals: WOLVES!!!!

HAVE YOU EVER........
Given anyone a bath?: no 
Smoked?: yes :( tear
Bungee jumped?: nope 
Made yourself throw up?: not yet... 
Skinny dipped?: i wish
Ever been in love?: i think so
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?:yeah

Pictured your crush naked?: yep

Actually seen your crush naked?: me and Nam have seen each other nude a few times :) 
Cried when someone died?: yes
Lied:  yes
Fallen for your best friend?: that was a long time ago....

Been rejected?: in general, yes

Rejected someone?: yeah- fucking ex
Used someone?: every american girl does it atleast once
Done something you regret?: you just want me to cry, don't you? i think it's pretty obvious by now :( :( :( :(

CURRENT.....
Make-up: nothing

Annoyance: same old, same old

ARE YOU..........
Understandin?: yes

Open-minded: yes
Arrogant: no
Insecure: yes
Random: yes
Hungry: no
Smart: Nam says i am

Moody: yes
Hard working: Nam says yes, i say sometimes
Organized: yes and no
Healthy: not really...

Shy: sometimes

Difficult: at times
Attractive: you tell me? (Nam wanted me to quote him on this: "Oh God yes.")
Bored easily: on occasion
Responsible?: most of the time
Obsessed: with what?

Angry: deep down inside....

Sad: somewhere
Happy: when i'm with Nam (did you guys see that quiz i took?)

Hyper: sometimes
Trusting: not really, just of certain people

EiTHER oR. (Bold)

x. pink/red

x. orange/yellow

x. blue/green

x. purple/indigo

x. white/black

x. VHS/DVD

x. tv/movie

x. Spongebob/Fairly Odd Parents- neither, Invader Zim if any

x. Friends/Saturday Night Live (*the old ones, anyway*)

x. The OC/Summerland- neither

x. 7th Heaven/Gilmore Girls - neither, Smallville if anything, although it's gotten crappy lately

x. Spongebob/Patrick- neither, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac

x. Sandy/Gary- neither (*what's wrong with the person who wrote this survey?*)

x. Squidward/Mrs. Puff- neither

x. Saw/The Grudge- haven't seen them

x. National Treasure/Peter Pan- haven't seen them

x. soda/juice- depends

x. pizza/tacos

x. Dominoes/Pizza Hut

x. Coke/Pepsi

x. Sprite/Mountain Dew

x. pop/punk

x. rock/rap

x. country/rock

x. Green Day/Britney Spears

x. Good Charlotte/Eminem

x. water ice/ice cream

x. chocolate/vanilla

x. strawberry/mint chocolate chip

x. soft serve/hard ice cream

x. computer/television

x. phone/instant message

x. AIM/AOL

x. McDonald's/Burger King

x. Tropicana/Florida Natural- i don't care

x. Dairy Queen/Friendly's- never been

x. TGI Friday's/Olive Garden

x. Cell Phone/No Phone

x. Movies/Chill at home

x. boy [or girl] friend/single- depends (*believe me, i know*)

x. one floor house/multiple floor house

x. crayons/colored pencils

x. colored pencils/markers

x. pen/pencil

x. school/work (*it can't be worse than SLA, and if it is, i wouldn't have applied in the first place*)

x. small bedroom/large bedroom

x. twin bed/double bed- which ever one's bigger

x. makeup/no makeup

x. vegetables/meat

x. lamb/beef

x. chicken/turkey

x. restaurant/home-cooked meal

x. spinach/carrots

x. cds/radio

x. college/no college

x. sing/dance

x. basketball/baseball

x. soccer/hockey

x. field hockey/basketball

x. surf/skate

x. ski/snowboard

x. snowboard/surf

x. night/day

x. sun/moon

x. jeans/sweatpants

x. hoodie/t-shirt

x. Hollister/O'Neill- don't know

x. Fox Racing/Roxy

x. Volcom/Fox Racing

x. Journeys/Pac Sun

x. Center City Sports/Journeys- don't know

yay, it's finally over. wow, i don't give a fuck about half of that stuff, but whatever. what do you think?

fuzzycookie1: friday i saw some subliminal message thing on some one's blog and it scared me, so i had a hard time sleeping
AngelShadow39: ? ok
fuzzycookie1: saturday night it was bothering me even more and before we hung up, i asked if i could call him back if i needed to. 10 mins later after we hung up, i was wide awake and i called him back
fuzzycookie1: this was mistake #!
fuzzycookie1: #1*
AngelShadow39: ok..
fuzzycookie1: i could tell he was obviously not happy and so i felt like shit for calling him, but i was having a psychotic episode and kept telling myself to hang up. durning this time he told me that he had plans for us on sunday, which was the next day. after about another 20 mins, my mind was settled enough and we went to sleep
AngelShadow39: k..
fuzzycookie1: so yesterday, i slept off and on from 10:00am to 1:00pm waiting to hear from him
fuzzycookie1: i didn't, so i called his cell- it was off. i did some busy work, and by 4:45 ish it was still off. i called his house to try and get a hold of him and no one was home. by sometime after 5 his phone was still off and i was getting worried
AngelShadow39: ya
fuzzycookie1: as you might be able to tell, i was not having a good day, on top of the fact that some cunt told me some bullshit on mindsay and then daniel had the fucking balls to call me and ask me if i was willing to sell my acoustic guitar. (i was not happy that he called when i had been waiting to hear from Nam in the first place)
AngelShadow39: thats fucked up
fuzzycookie1: at 5:57pm, according to my phone, Nam finally calls
fuzzycookie1: he's going to santa cruz with his sister for 2 days and he's leaving now
fuzzycookie1: as you can guess, i was NOT happy
AngelShadow39: seriously1
AngelShadow39: *!
AngelShadow39: thats fucked up
fuzzycookie1: yeah
fuzzycookie1: i felt like i'd been lied to and that he'd said that just to get me to go away the night before
AngelShadow39: ugh, ya
AngelShadow39: i know what thats like
AngelShadow39: pat said we'd do somehting special today
AngelShadow39: but nope
fuzzycookie1: when i asked him why he did that, he gave me the b/s excuse of "i didnt want you to be sorry about last night and i wanted you to calm down". what the fuck is that?
AngelShadow39: hes like "ya, we could see a movie, but i have to be home at like 8"
fuzzycookie1: that's hella fucked up cuz its an anniversary
fuzzycookie1: im so sorry
AngelShadow39: ya, i know
AngelShadow39: men are scum
AngelShadow39: insensitive scum
fuzzycookie1: anyway, later Nam told me the truth, which was that he "forgot"
AngelShadow39: ugh
AngelShadow39: men need to come with post-it noted stapled to their balls
AngelShadow39: *notes
fuzzycookie1: but anyway, we started fighting, so he told me to hold on and his sister gave him the option of staying home or going and Nam said he'd stay home
fuzzycookie1: so Nam went back to his house, and we fought for about another 2 hours on the phone, and finally we started talking
fuzzycookie1: his mom was mad at him because he came back, and she found out about when he came and saw me in October when i came back from japan- she doesnt know why, but she knows that he did and that it was to see me
AngelShadow39: that hella sucks, its his choice
fuzzycookie1: so i feel like shit because i had a psychotic episode, and he feels like shit, but we're able to calm down enough to just start talking
fuzzycookie1: yeah i know. i was actually telling him to not stay home yesterday and i told him to go to santa cruz anyway
fuzzycookie1: but he told him mom that it was his choice and she was still mad
fuzzycookie1: but so, Nam and i get into a fight, start talking, and he stays home to fix things with me.
AngelShadow39: ya
fuzzycookie1: my phone says that at 9:47am, he calls me and tells me he's leaving for santa cruz he'll be back wednesday night, when i know for a fact that he'd been planning something for us on wednes day for a while now and he even told me last night that he had plans for us this week
AngelShadow39: uuuugh, fucking guys
fuzzycookie1: now, is it just me, or does it seem like him staying home to "fix things" with me to not even see me once before he leaves seem like a waste of time?
AngelShadow39: ya, i was thinking that
fuzzycookie1: cuz to me, he could have said "we'll talk about this later" and fought with me in santa cruz. i mean, then he wouldn't have gotten in trouble with his mom. honestly, what was the fucking point of him staying home if he's not going to at least stop by and say "i'm sorry i didn't call yesterday and that i stood you up, but i need to go now" ?
fuzzycookie1: he knows i'm sick (thanx, i think you did that) and i still have a mild fever. it went down five degrees, which is good, but still, to just...gah, i feel like he stood me up again!
AngelShadow39: seriously
AngelShadow39: lol, im finally over mine
AngelShadow39: i know! pat does this too all the time
fuzzycookie1: he's going to be back wednesday night, which means i only get to see him on thursday, which is our anniversary
fuzzycookie1: how ackward is that?
fuzzycookie1: i know, but Nam has NEVER done this to me before!
AngelShadow39: it's like...god-fucking-damn I don't care if it's not your fault, you could ALTEAST try and make it up
fuzzycookie1: he's never stood me up, or he's at least CALLED ME to tell me we won't be able to do anything!
fuzzycookie1: he told me before he left "i might be back tuesday night" and i just told him "don't tell me that, because all you're doing is getting my hopes up again. Just say wednesday so i can't be disappointed."
AngelShadow39: ya
fuzzycookie1: grrr, i even told him "why did you stay home if u weren't even gonna see me first?"
fuzzycookie1: i understand why he didn't call me last night after he called his sister, he didn't want to get in trouble.
AngelShadow39: seriously, someone needs to show all these guys how to act in all these situations, and then how to suprise the girl when they STILL piss them off
AngelShadow39: ya
AngelShadow39: whatd he say/
AngelShadow39: *?
fuzzycookie1: but i still would have appreciated it to know that he was just gonna leave again
fuzzycookie1: what did he say when i asked him that?
AngelShadow39: ya
fuzzycookie1: "*sigh* i'm sorry"
fuzzycookie1: that's it
AngelShadow39: atleast he didnt try to bullshit an answer
fuzzycookie1: but do you agree with me that staying home to "fix things" only to not see me at all before he leaves seen kinda like a lost cause and a waste of time?
fuzzycookie1: that's true....
AngelShadow39: ya, seriously
AngelShadow39: esp if he has a car, time, and he wanted to make it up quicker
fuzzycookie1: yeah
fuzzycookie1: or on the way there he could have stopped by
AngelShadow39: ya
fuzzycookie1: if he had just gone to santa cruz, he wouldnt have gotten in trouble with his mom and the whole thing about him seeing me in October would not have come up again!
fuzzycookie1: staying here to fix things with me would involve seeing me, even if it was just to say "i'm sorry." last night we got in a fight, he could have done that from anywhere
AngelShadow39: ya, seriously
AngelShadow39: *shakes head* we would make such good guys, lol
fuzzycookie1: i mean, am i stupid? if pat said he was going to stay home to "fix things" with you, would you have thought the same thing?
fuzzycookie1: lol, yeah
AngelShadow39: definatly
AngelShadow39: if we had a fight, and he skipped the ski rip *which he never would, but hypotheically* he would have to get his ass over here
fuzzycookie1: yeah, i understand
fuzzycookie1: just spending two hours on the phone with you doesn't cut it, does it?
AngelShadow39: fuck no
fuzzycookie1: cuz he can spend two hours on the phone with you while he's at tahoe (or where ever it is he's skiing)
AngelShadow39: can't kiss and make-up...or poke em up the ass for pissing you off
AngelShadow39: lol
fuzzycookie1: lol
fuzzycookie1: yeah
AngelShadow39: ya, i know!
AngelShadow39: i say we should write a book
fuzzycookie1: it's just good to know that i'm not the only one who thinks that way. i mean, i thought i was being psychotic, but it turns out i was using common sense!